Restructure-o-Rama August 4, 2003 By: Bakari Currently Playing:    Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance    Metriod Fusion

   Sega stands at a major turning point in its history. With ports on the rise and originality on the decrease, things are looking a bit bleak. Despite the countless shuffle ups and restructurings, poor old Sega just can’t seem to get it right. Will they rise out of the fiery ashes like a phoenix, or will a mass of mainstream consumers piss all over their cindery remains, forever extinguishing Sega’s hopes of glory? Will the next decade of GHZ museum entries be labelled with such titles as "2008: Sega is a malodorous pile of crap" or will they rise up to levels of greatness as to be worthy of such lofty praise as "2o10: OMFG 50neik T33m is teh winZ0r"?

   No, I’m not under the influence; it’s quite clear that something needs to be done to pull Sega out of this ditch that it’s stuck in. I considered taking over the company with my private army made up of nothing but capsule toys, but instead I opted to do a little research to point Sega in the right direction. Below are my suggestions on how they should conduct business henceforth.

   I hope your eyes are in shape, because this is a lengthy update. You can either settle in for the long, brain-numbing haul, or alternatively visit Pep’s infinitely more interesting site and save yourself much pain. If you are sticking around, then I should warn you that this is the last toilet stop for 200 miles. Pregnant mothers and people with heart conditions should not read. You must be taller than the bar to enter.

The future of the company - Meger-o-rama

   While I don’t have access to any figures, I’m pretty sure that Sega’s boardroom presentations are no longer the picnics in the park that they were back in the day. What those fools at Sega really need to do is call in some help, and double-team all their competitors! Sure, the negotiations with those snooty Japanese companies didn’t go over so well, but there’s no reason why Sega can’t get help from elsewhere. Sooooooo, it’s time for "Let’s make a date", Sega-stye, baaby!! Let’s meet our contestants for tonight!

Merger #1: Sega + The Illuminati
Shadowy world organizations are always good if you want to bend the rules a little. Worldwide distribution networks mean that the games would always be on time, and a bit of government influence can’t hurt either! -What more could you ask for in a business partner?
Love-o-Meter: 8
Outcome: Dark Lord Naka is also bent on covert world domination, so the two groups should get along great! A steady flow of cash allows Sega to continue on doing what it does best, while the Illuminati get to control the minds of the world’s young people through a form of popular media. Everyone’s a winner!

Merger #2: Sega + A James Bond villain
Sick and tired of these arty Sega studios prancing around making obscure games that send the books into the red? Perhaps Sega needs a Bond villain to rule over their fragmented divisions with an iron fist! Countless henchmen ensue that the games are always finished on time, so you can say goodbye to endless delays! And if people don’t like their new games, Sega can just feed the little whiners to the sharks!
Love-o-Meter: 4
Outcome: Kill too many of those whinging developers who value artistic integrity over profits and Sega would soon find themselves without anyone to make games! Perhaps it’s not a match made in heaven after all.

Merger #3: Sega + The Justice League of America
Not all good guys suck. That huge JL spaceship must have one hell of a dev kit, and Batman scaring the crap out of kids into buying Sega is a pretty strong "marketing push" in my book. Besides, all that’s needed to completely annihilate the competition is for Superman to release some of his games on non-Sega machines! Those unlucky consoles’ll sink like a rock, baby!

Merger #4: Sega + A ninja clan
Sega = Sleek, fun and cool. Ninjas = Sleek, deadly, and cool. When you put those two together, I’m not quite sure what you get, but I’m sure it’s some really perverse form of entertainment. Count me in! As we all know, ninjas have been kicking ass for hundreds of years, and it is my firm belief that they have a hell of a lot of money hoarded somewhere in deepest Japan. Sure, it may have those funny little holes in the middle, but I’m sure there’s a travel agency somewhere that will exchange money from the 1500s. Right?
Love-o-Meter: 6
Outcome: For the safety of life as we know it, this gets a lower score. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if Dark Lord Naka had an entire clan of ass-kicking ninja demon schoolgirls under his control.

The CEO - Leader-o-Rama
Someone of exceptional character and devotion is needed to take Sega into this brave new world. Several outstanding people heeded our call:

Yuji Naka
Rising from lowly programmer to head of an international organization of eeeeevil, there’s no game he won’t port to achieve his fiendish ways. We’re currently looking into his plans for world domination; apparently they have something to do with hypnosis through poultry-themed games. *Looks at Billy Hatcher* Actually, that rolling egg is quite mesmerising. I...need...Game Cube... Must... Obey...

Pros
+ Good at maintaining charade of talented videogame creator

Cons
- Pure Evil
- Smug git. If the one photo of him in existence is anything to go by
- Complete whore

Naoto Ohshima
Last sighted dashing through a theme park dressed as chicken and biting children. His fowl-y alter ego is rumoured to be involved Naka’s most recent GCN plans. Can the fruity former Sonic Team member pull himself together to stage a coup against the Dark Lord?

Pros
+ One time creative genius
+ His alter ego Sharps the chicken may have just the right balance of street
smarts, in your face attitude, and old fashioned ass-kicking to get results in this tired old company! But can he completely vanquish that annoying Naoto voice for good?

Cons
- Prone to making Artsy-fartsy dribble
- Let’s face it; Ohshima is only holding Sharps back
- Sleeps in an old fridge (not the image Sega should be presenting to the public)
- A complete pansy

An upper management team comprised of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Of all faded icons, these "dudes" have proven time and time again that they know how to make a comeback. Now they’re in talks with John Woo! Talk about "never say die!"

Pros
+ Experienced in the ups and downs of a career in popular entertainment
+ Totally gnarly and/or radical look appeals to 92.3% of the Western world’s population of stupid people. The Ninja Turtles would allow Sega to wrestle a market share of hipness from Sony and Microsoft. Surf’s up, dudes!

Cons
- Real should be cryogenically frozen along with MC Hammer in a "Fads of the early 90s" musuem exhibition.
- Often squabble among each other (with comedic results, may I add) - Splinter probably smells

A Japanese Saturn control pad

Pros
+ Comfortable
+ Simply screams good taste
+ "Button pushing" jokes great for workplace affairs

Cons
- Inanimate

Aeris
True, she’s dead, but Sega is an equal opportunity employer!

Pros
+ Is a girl: Able to bring in more of a female audience
+ Is a girl
+ Is a girl: You’re a slow learner, aren’t you?

Cons
- Business decision making limited to Attack, Magic, and Item. Could prove to be problematic when it comes time for the tough decisions.
- Kiss all non-puzzle, music, or RPG games goodbye!

   Of course, rather than determining the best person for the job based on credentials, I though that it would be more interesting to throw the contestants on a deserted island to compete in an old fashioned death-match! Without the hundred human sacrifices required to sustain the Dark Lord, Naka soon died, and his spirit was swept away by a gust of wind. He would go on to spend he next 2000 years trying to reform his body while being worshiped by cults who churn out Sega ports in order to sustain his evil empire. Upon arriving on the island, Ohshima immediately broke down and started babbling about their imminent death (in poetry format, no less). Soon enough, his survival instincts flared, and Sharps took over, proceeding to stab Aeris in the back with a machete he’d carved out of a coconut. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles also met their deaths at the hands of Sharps, who garrotted the group to death with the help of the Saturn controller. Both guilty parties blame each other. The Saturn controller was later swept into the vast depths of the ocean while lounging on the beach. Sighted days later, its horrible water filled corpse was said to resemble what would later become the design of the standard US pad. Emerging victorious, Sharps swam out in the direction of Sega HQ, but was dragged under by the sheer weight of the chicken costume Ohshima was wearing. According to authorities, he resurfaced several weeks later in Mexico, and is wanted on six charges of murder of the first degree. As we speak, a letter offering him the job is in the mail.

   Before I go, I probably should give you an update on the state of the forums. As usual everyone’s talking about Saturn, lusciously rendered girls, and personality testing through the use of fictional characters. Some things never change! For the record, Pepperidge does not support any of the above stupidity (my own special brand "Bakari’s Extra Long Winded - Just like Momma used to make!"). If you found this little information session even the slightest bit informative or funny, please contact your doctor if symptoms persist.

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