From ablater@global.co.zaMon Dec 4 09:14:39 1995 Date: Mon, 27 Nov 1995 19:23:37 +0200 From: Simon Howes Reply to: sonic@bort.mv.net To: sonic@bort.mv.net Subject: Satire 1/1 [The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set] [Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set] [Some characters may be displayed incorrectly] Time for a popquiz! What if: David Pistone was sucked into another reality. The Freedom Fighters met the M-team. Thaddeus Boyd was called on from the future. Uncle Bill and Santa.. uhh Robotnik fought it out? Okay there everyone, here it is.. my first attempt at humour. I went all the way out with the: OS; CPU; Caffeine; tail; modem and MacroSlop jokes. If you are a heavy Windoze supporter.. please read no further.. less your ego be trimmed, and your limbs get all hacked and nicked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Apologies: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- David M. Pistone: Sorry man, had to do it.. hope you understand, I had no choice.. hehehehe Hey, while you go about putting this one up on your page, can you see about finding those other two stories of mine? [RL10.txt and Strick.txt] ADVERTISEMENT! Thaddeus Body : This is how *NOT* to write a story. Ohya.. I should be apologizing to your boetie.. urrh little brother.. I ripped him too. hehehe Bill Gates : Programmer to programmer, YOU SUCK! ahahaha! Okay, if you are actually reading this, just chill.. don't go sue me now.. why don't you do something cool, like make a ripoff story about me and get it published in that London paper of yours... there.. real revenge. Cyruggs : Make a real processor, I'll make a real apology. Nintundo : Well, I bought enough bloody games from you not to apologize. There's MBIII over here somewhere. Sorry, this is SEGA fanfic turf, perhaps you can pay me off to write one for your conf. Sally Acorn : Too bad, what did you want an emotional scene, where we all cry when you meet daddy? Sorry! PERVS: : Sorry guys, no perv scenes, about the best it gets is ropes and a gag. But, perhaps it will excite your sick little minds to know that Sonic AND Sally are tied up.. ooooh KINKY! hehehe ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- If you have any flames please mail them to : askbill@microsoft.com but if you wanna mail me normal just send to: ablater@lin01.global.co.za Oh ya, what else.. hmmm.. what do I call the story? Why.. that's so simple.. uh hu hu hu.. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mobian GPF - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - David looked over the keyboard again, "DAMNIT! Where did that 'start' button go to now?" He frantically felt over the keyboard again--it was a new type, designed especially for Windoze 95C. The human looked underneath the table, fortunately he was able to locate the piece of plastic. "Oh YES!" He stuck the button back on the keyboard, "HAHAHA!", then after taking a moments look--depressed it! But, the signal never reached the CPU, the PC's internal DataBUS had in fact hung a long time ago--ever since he had loaded the offensive data into memory. "DOUGH!" Jamming the HARD-RESET button, he walked off to get some coffie while the 80386-SX16 processor went about it's task of counting the 32Mb memory he had on board--the memory he used as a Ramdrive to store all that "Sonic Mature Material" he had collected up; after all with an MFM drive, his ownly hope of viewing pictures that century was to load then into 300% faster DRUM. In the kitchen he took a moment to look outside, today was going to be a bad day, already he could see the blue blurr..of a garbage sack, that the municipal services had neglected to take away, lying on his front yard. Through the frosted up window it looked a little less deadly than it really was, but he knew the fatal truth--soon the tiny bacteria cells in Earth's atmosphere would begin acting--turning the garbage into a chemical hazard. The sound of a laser blast threw David's body limpely up against a cupboard.. But before he saw stars, he reeled around, "DAMNIT! WHY THE BLUE BLAZING LASER TRAILING SUPER IONIZED FURR TOONIAC CHASING CARBON ENTROPIED BADLY LISTING MASQUERADING PHREAKING VULPINE HELL CAN'T SBSET PUT THE WINSTART VOLUME TO SOMETHING TOLERABLE???!!!???" With that he passed out. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Water molecules in the gaseous phase hovered over the house, the movement of the two clouds causing electrons to be ripped off--creating a surge of static electricity. The blue shard of lightning found it's way down to a pine tree, turning it into a crispy. David awoke, something furry was exerting a downward pressure on him! He futily tried to struggle free--but whatever it was, it had him pinned down with seemingly robotic strength. David wished he could get a better look at what it was--after all, watching the carpet up close was less than exciting. "Please, get off me!" he begged, "I can't breath, and.. uuh my allergies, you're killing me!" There was a type of heavy breathing from above him, almost a type of laughing, then his captor shifted it's weight forward, causing him to wheeze. The next minute David Pistone new, something wet and not entirely pleasant, was brushing over his ear. "ARGGHHH!" In a moment of frantic struggle he threw it off. "Stupid Bloody DOG!" He glared at his Maltese poodle, it glared back--until he blinked. Losing the confrontation he retreated to his computer room, nothing much had actually happened since he had left. Windoze 3.11111 was still drawing the Poorgram Manger menu. "DARN" he remarked, and restarted his task of getting coffie. Meanwhile inside the digital brain of his Cyruggs processor, little pieces of silicon where beginning to do non-standard things. It seemed his A20 line had dropped from protected mode, and his Rom Basic was now installed. Interrupt 21h, had been .. interrupted by the Creative Fabs, Sound Waster on port 220h.. This had caused the SS and SI to be overshot. David blew his stack,"DAMN IT! I NEED A REAL COMPUTER! ONE THAT DOESN'T HANG!" He found himself going for the RESET button again. This time however, the machine violently defended it's state of laziness--when he pushed the switch, the entire thing fell back into the casing. "NOOO!" he violently threw the steaming cup of coffie against the monitor, the .28 smashed, and the boiling caffeine laden liquid spewed all over the cathode ray gun. The mixture buzzed, letting out electromagnetic waves on all frequencies. The human collapsed onto the floor, tears rolling down his face. "WHY? WHY? JUST TAKE ME NOW!!! PLEAASE!" And Zeus decided to humour him, throwing a lightning bolt out of the sky down onto the electrical lines. The energy went surging through the CRT, the coffie became vapour, the caffeine became a Uranium isotope, David reached his half-life. For the next few moments all he was aware of was static and chaos, and a whole series of cheap special effects. Oh, yeah, and Dave also did notice that he was being thrown through a dimensional vortex, some word came to mind. "Nagus" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - When he awoke he was standing in front of a crystal palace, he stared up at it.. "Wow Dave, that sure is one high palace.. so powerfull.. I wonder what they call it? The 'Palace of Power?'" He chuckled, then realising that he was in an alternate reality.. he stopped. Sitting down on the floor, he wondered to himself. " #Where am I? #Is this palace symbolic of something? #Does the palace have Internet? #Why am I seeing the Merio Brothers?" Merio and Loo_ugly, stared at the strange human for a while, there was something about him that posed a threat. Was it his face, No.. was it his muscles.. NO WAY! It was the little Blue and White logo he wore on his shirt, with the letters S*GA. They hated S#GA, they much preffered Nintundo. Merio was the first to act, "Hey, SAGA boy, we're gonna jump on your head!" Dave froze, "Uhhuhuh, huu he he.. um well.." Loo_ugly began too, "Yeah.. We're gonna make you mushy like lasagna!" "Umm err well.. he he.. " The two plumbers waved torque wrenches menacingly at him, while he frantically backed up until bumping into something behind him. Captain-M, drew his gun, "Hey plumber-brothers, Get outta here!" They did. Dave faced his savior, "Thanks, you saved my life!" Kalvin laughed, "Of course, I didn't want anybody breaking you, after all, I want that honour !" Again he made whimpering sounds. () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () () Inside the palace, Mr Pistone hung harmlessly upside down, SiMan BelGoon, Kid StickyGUS, VEGAMan, and Princess WhoknowsWhathernameis, made sarcastic comments. "Hey Kalvin, what if we put him through the time vortex?" Vegaman sneered. "Naaah, uploading him via 2400 would be cool, but too expensive!" "Well, what if we put him through the memory waster.." "Naaaah, the ASAP might bust us, as our copy of DEFR_G is pirated.." "Hmm.. What if we swap his brain with that of a hedgehog?" "Yeah, that's Mega cool VEGA-man, but, we don't have any hedgehogs.." "Darn, well, why don't you just shoot him?" "Hmm.. that's a cool idea.." He lifted his gun and aimed it at Dave's head, his eyes blinking with determination. "NO!" The princess cried! "What?" "For God's Sake, not in the palace! Do you know how messy that will be?" Vegaman smiled, "I'll clean it up princess!" Just then David got up some courage, "Hey, I got such a cool plan! Why don't you give me jet skates, and throw me into the void?" The princess patted Kalvin on the shoulder, "Please Kalv, he would make such a great crystal statue for the port'al room..." Captain-M stopped, "Which room? The one with the port'al to Mobius?" "Yes, the one on level three, room five, hall two!" "You mean the one on l3,r5,h2, with Mobius on port'al three and landing zone right in the middle of Knothole?" "No the one on l3,r5,h2, with Mobius on three, landing zone-Knothole and matter translation from Human to Vulpine .." "Oh *that* one, hey, you're right, he would look cool there! But, he'd look better the right way up!" Dave shrugged his shoulders, a miraculous feat while hanging inverted. "Uuuh, could I have one last request?" "NO!" They screamed in union. "But, I just wanted to see where I was going to be staying for the rest of eternity... you know.. so I can stand right before I turn to crystal.." SiMan BelGoon butted in, "he's right princess! Crystal Statues are the absolute fad, but only if they stand the right way." She looked at the pathetic human, "hmm... you're right.. I mean, it's not like he's going to jump into a port'al and escape is it?" - - - - - - - - - - - - David stood in a peculiar way, SiMan complained. "No No No, You're doing it all wrong.. Stand like you're a Knight.. No no.. not an Earth Knight, a starwarrior Knight..." "Uuhm, excuse me.. But is that port'al in jumping distance of me to Mobius?" "No Ways! You couldn't possibly jump that far, you'd have to run and jump into that port'al.." "Oh.." The human built up some more courage, "Hey look there! It's Mutha Drain!" "Where?" SiMan BelGoon stared at the Port'al, "You mindless dit'zes, you let him get away!" The princess yelled back, "Go get him.. SiMan!" "No way! I look absoloutely dreadful with furr.." "Just go, maybe in a thousand years we'll work out how to turn vulpines back into humans..." "No ways princess.. Besides-- there are .. not nice .. things there!" "Captain-M.. you go!" "No ways, I'm no good at fighting computers, that'll mean I'll lose. And I get upset when I lose... it's not game-master like.." "Kid StickGUS?" "Okay Princess... NOT!" "VEGA man?" "I don't think so your, highness!" "OH geesh, that's the problem with you men, you're all cowardly!" They all stared at her, "YOU GO THEN!" "No ways, I might break a finger nail!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Notice from Simon: Some nice people from S#ga visited me (with Pump-actions), and persuaded me not to rip off Sonic and all his wonderful friends, that is why their real names will be used here. Apparently, the story from here on will be straight forward. =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=- David stood up, he felt kind of odd, warmish, furry.. he almost wanted to hug himself.. uhhmm... maybe he could get someone to do it for him...later. He took an observation of the proximity, lots of trees, and lots of trees, he also noted that there were lots of trees around. "Aha" he told himself, this was Knothole.. how extremely fascinillating.. there sure were a lot of trees around. The newly transformed fox walked a bit further, it seemed that he hadn't popped up in the centre of Knothole--this posed a serious problem, as there was no chance in whohaay that he'd simply find the place with the help of some nice citizens directions. "Okay, David Pistone, you are a cool confident collected individual, how would you find Knothole.." He dropped to his knees to think. "What you need to do is find Sonic, then everything will be cool.. But.. how do *I* find him?" A dragon flew by overhead, almost not catching his attention. He dived up; keeping his eyes on it; he ran as fast as he possibly could. "DULCY!" She didn't notice, he ran faster. "DULCY!" Still no response, he pushed himself to the maximum limit. "DULCY!! HEYYYY HEREE!" Not looking at the floor he fell into a pool of water, the dragon flew on without noticing him. David choked bitterly as he climbed out of the crystal fluid, his only hope now was that Knothole was near. He spun around to look at the pool again--he could almost see Rotor, Sonic and Tails getting a power ring from it. Of course! This pool had to be the power ring pool! And if it was.. Knothole was not very far off. But he knew one thing--he himself had once even said it.. Knothole was so well hidden, you could get lost just meters from the path. Right now he had two choices--wait until Sonic came to collect a power ring, or try his luck scouting for the village. He decided on the former, sitting down on a fallen log, his mind began to wonder... When he did eventually find the freedom fighters--what then? What could he do for them? Why would they want an outsider like him? What could he tell them? What if they didn't accept him? There was a crackling from somewhere in the forest near him--someone or something was coming. Instinctively he did a motion--that had he been human, would have straightened his jacket. The voices got louder, he could now make out Tails talking. Soon they stopped in front of him, Sonic being the first to talk. "Who are you?" But only stunned whimpers could come from David, hot flushes went through his body; he tried to loosen his collar--but found out he didn't have one. He tried to take a deep breath, but instead all he could summon was a short ventilation. "Uhhmm.. uuh.. Hi?" The hedgehog stepping closer was badly percepted by the new-fox, as bad body circulation resulted in image warbling. He fainted. **TICK TOCK TICK TOCK** A middled aged raccoon spoke to Sonic, "He's fainted!" "What?" "I guess you surprised him, either that or he's another of your crazy fans.." Tails blinked. David began groaning into awakeness; Sonic started, "You all right?" Still lying on the floor and his voice limited came a soft reply, "..Yes.." "What happened?" "Um uhhrr.. I felt dizzy.." The fox blushed. Bookshire began, "Who are you?" David, now more online; turned his head to face the raccoon; looked at him oddly--his eyes over-expanded; Sonic helped him up. David on his feet immediately started to Bookshire, "Is your name Bookshire.. Bookshire Draftwood?" "You know me?" "Oh yes.." Then turning to Tails, "and you are Miles.. Miles Prower.. but you prefer to be called.. " "Tails" the cub unioned. Finally stopping his eyes on Sonic, "And you are Sonic.. Sonic the Hedgehog?" "That's me.. now who are you?" "Oh," he began automatically, "I'm David Pistone... but most of my friends call me Book.." He remembered the raccoon. "Book?" asked the hedgehog curiously. "Ahuum,.. BookKeeper.. but.. umm... you can call me.. David... yeah.. David." "Oh, I don't know, I kinda like BookKeeper." Smirked the hedgehog. They all grabbed him before he could fall again. "Uuh, thanks.. Sometimes happens..must be the humidity and all.." Bookshire looked oddly at him, "How did you get here?" This was the part he'd dreaded, he just froze pathetically. Trying to think of what to say. If I tell them some lie, it might catch up to me. But will they really believe that I'm from Earth? What if I tell them I'm an escaped spy, with information on Robotniks plans? That could work, I'd be important then.. Bookshire's fingers waved by his eyes, "You Okay?" "Uh yes.. Um.. Oh how I got here.. Well.. umm.." Sonic butt in, "You lost?" "Well.. kinda.. but I'll find my way just now.." The raccoon stopped him, "I don't think you will!" He almost choked, were they on to him? "uuhuhuh, why not?" "There's no way, if you keeping fading out like that." His sigh of relief was noted, again Bookshire inquired. "Are you all right?" David lost his nerve, "Help me! I don't come from this planet!" The three freedom fighters looked at one another oddly, "What!?!" His voice steadily increasing in speed, "I come from the planet Earth, where I'm a human, I came here through a port'al.. and it changed me to this! I know all you because.." A cold sweat ran over him, "I can't tell you how.. but I just do.. I also know a lot of information about Robotnik.." Again, reality began darkening, Sonic caught him out of his descent, however this time a bit too late--the fox was out cold. Again. David awoke with a prickling agony in his left arm, he quickly tried to sit up, but something metallic stopped him; It was Bunnie's arm, and Bookshire had just injected him with something. "Arr.. What in the blue-blazing null carrier DTR setting, pulse-width modulating phreaking, digital realm's hell is that!?!" Bookshire however stayed collected, "David, how do you feel?" "uuh.. Okay I guess.." "Now, why do you think you passed out?" "uuuhmm... well.. you see.. umm.. just a bit too much excitement I guess.." "I see.. now David.. What you told us before you.. fainted .. Is that true?" The fox paused; the raccoon who understood this--motioned Bunnie to leave them; then used a soft comforting voice. "David.. It's allright you can tell me.." "Okay.. well, I might was well tell you my life story. It began when I was.." **Really Boring Tick Tocks** Somewhere else in the forest there was a type of corny-shlurping noise, sounding like something out of a cheap monday afternoon cartoon with moral's at the end. The cause of this was a human coming through the port'al, instantly with a flash his body became a vulpine. A few seconds later, another body came through... this time a female..the vulpine converter seemed to have no difficulty coping with her either. (Unlike some things that error back to DOS just because you save to an impossible file name.. ) A few seconds later another body, then another, and then finally a robot. They all stood around their leader, now a vulpea-vulpea (Red-fox), he lifted a squarish box up--from it came beams of *really* bright light. The light blinded all the boiwdies and beez for about two kilometers around, before it finally died. And when it did, it revealed, the M-Team--back in their original glory. Kalvin was the first to speak, putting in a line that would excuse how they got technology so quickly. "Wow! This is great, I'm so glad that super-genius came over.. hey princess?" "Sure thing Kalvin, we were so lucky that he had the plans for one of these reverse-o-matic-vulpea-human-human-vulpea-molecular-restructurers around!" Vegaman butt in, in his normal croaking voice, "We were so lucky that the duplomatic was compatible with his computer.. your highness." The princess smiled, "Sure thing Vegaman, hey.. Kalvin, let's go.. It's going to be night soon, and I really want a new pillow!" ** ** ** ** Back on Earth drops of coffie lost their state of high energy, the little electrons dropping back to their standard orbit. It was then that something amazing happened.. the data bus of the machine had a current induced into it by an electromagnetic fluctuation brought on by cooling caffeine. This surge caused the CPU to stop waiting on port 388h (Adlib); Windoze for LurkGroups (almost) blazed back into life. The screen began acting strange too, a layer of sugar had formed over the hole in the glass, and all the air molecules had been teleported off to Nintundo land. The result of this was that the screen began to regain it's functionality.. the sugar acting as glass.. the caffeine acting as phosphor. (believe me.. caffeine *Will* do that.. I mean MASA don't let astronauts take coffie with them.. there has to be a reason!) The 3.11 Logo came onto the screen, though it was not the standard one, David had long ago changed that when he found out he could save with WINGUF to RLE. The result of this.. a piccy of Sonic displayed on the screen, though it was only in sixteen colour, but that didn't matter, as his display crOAK display card only ran in 640X480X16 anyway. ** ** ** ** David stood firmly up as Princess Sally paced in an orbital around him, Sonic, Bookshire and Rotor stood on the side--patiently waiting for some outcome. Sally continued, "Well, David do you have any special abilities?" The fox's courage had increased now, "Yes.. I know a lot about the future, and umm.. well oh yeah.. when I drink coffie I can go on.. working on the computer all NIGHT!" "So you're good with computers?" He thought of his puny 386, "Yes, considering that I can get Sting Commander three to run on my system.. I would say so.." Sally's mind boggled, perhaps what they had was someone who could learn the tricks from Bookshire, then execute them mid-mission. It was very tempting, the possibility of being able to hack systems without either sneaking the raccoon in, or risking the danger of being tracked when hacking by remote; but she needed proof. "Can you show us how fast you type?" "Uuh. sure.." Inside Rotor's hut he typed frantically at the keyboard, looking intensily at it, Sonic, Sally and Bookshire made noises in awe, until finally he stopped--out of breath. The only problem David had, was while he could type fast, what he had typed had merely been a load of crep, the new orientation of his fingers had been a prime factor of this new language he'd invented. "Oooow.. I miss my pinkie." he complained. The hedgehog stared at him oddly, "What's a pinkie?" "Well" he began informatively, "it's like another finger.." Sonic lifted his gloved hand to his face oddly, "Another finger? That would be so.. so.. eeeeyyooww gross!.." Rotor patted the fox on the shoulder, "well, maybe after we give you some coffie?" "Well, you shouldn't count on caffeine to make stuff grow, or enlarge." "No, I mean.. your typing.." "Oh yeah, almost forgot.. Okay.. let's do that then.." The walrus collected a tin from the back, it was unusually light, and he soon found out why. It was empty. He looked around for some more, but found that he was all out of instant coffie. "Oh well" he sighed, "Guess I'll just have to give him *percolated* coffie.." He took some choice selected coffie beans, stuffed them in the grounder, squeezed them till near fusion, then started up the machine. (It was petrol operated.. and had a lawnmower engine, maximum power for extracting the maximum caffeine content.) "Here you go" he smiled, passing the fox the steaming mug;David quaffed it. In a moment the chemical took effect on his body--there was a deep rumbling that shook the ground; a slight spasmatic attack that propelled the mug into the wall.. and then finally.. David let out a soft burp. The freedom fighters sighed in relief;the fox sat down, typing slightly slow, but his spelling and grammatic ablities incredibly boosted. Sonic whined, "NOOOO!" Sally stopped him, then continued on to the former human, "Uhhm David, maybe there's something else you can do?" Again the impatient hedgehog butt in, "hey.. what about him for lookout... after all.. it's not like he's ever going to sleep again.. not this decade!" David rotated his head, "hey, that's a cool idea... when do I start?" Sally looked at the hedgehog queerly, waiting for some comment. Sonic offered it, "what about now.. let's go!" With that David slowly climbed out of his chair; walked even slower to the door; watched Sonic zip out, and then.. zipped out next to him, pulling a mean speed of 660M/s. His HIKE_AIRS just weren't prepared for these vectors, they burst into flames sending him jumping around at mach-2 in agony. It was then that Sally saw for the first time in her life the extreme potence of high octane carbonized beans. Sonic stopped him, "Whoa.. Dave! That's amazing.. I wonder how long it will last for?" "Caffeine highs can last between three to eight hours!" "Wow! That's amazing!" Then facing back to Sally--who had come running to them when they stopped, he began, "hey Sal.. whatdya think? The guy's great!" ** ** ** ** Robotnik slammed buttons on the panels violentely, "SNIVELY TELL ME.. WHY IS IT THAT THE HEDGEHOG ALWAYS *WINS*?" The subservient stepped forward, "w..w.ww well sir.. I think it might have something to do with the terminals." "The terminals?" "Sir, while you designed them brilliantly two years ago.. technology does change.. you see sir 2400 modems.. just aren't fast enough anymore." "Strange.. 2400 Gigabits a second seems more than sufficient to me." "Well um sir.. you see.. it seems a group of freedom fighters are using a new type of their own.. and.. it's uuhmm bette.. has a higher transfer rate.." "Yes.. tell me more." "Well sir.. they seem to have error correction too, it's called V34ditz, and um, well sir.. they also have compression.. it's called MNOP5.. and sir.. their baud rate.. is well 9600." "WHAT?!? I don't want to be the only one in the neighbourhood who has to wait while I download! I hope for your sake you've done something!" The human stepped forward proudly, "Yes sir.. my system runs at 14.4Gbs.. I call it the US robotnik!" [NANANA CORNY!] "Brilliant Snively! I'm glad I thought of it, but the question is.. will it be able to connect to existing terminals?" "Of course, the US robotnik is fully downward compatible!" [WISH THEY WERE] "But Snively, will it be easy to install and configure?" "Of course, it's the half card internal solution! And thanks to the Ess registers.. it's easy to configure!" [IF U LIKE SCANNING BOOKS AT 2:00AM] "But what if I don't have a technical guide handy when I need to setup one?" "Oh sir! That's what the Sportstar is for, it automatically configures itself, and can save setting to an onboard EPROM!" [Prob:Settings always booga up] "Ha ha Snively, sometimes my genius astounds me! Now.. call dispatch and send me up a prisoner.. I feel good!" "Uhuhuh" frantically laughed the human, "sir.. we haven't had prisoners in weeks.." "What!?! Call Packbell, he'll get us some." then in a softer type of whimpering, "Packbell always does.." The android was caught unaware when the screen flicked to him, at the time he was monitoring inter-dimensional waves. He reeled around angrily, "AAAR, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU.. oh, Hello.." Robotnik grinned, "Packbell my boy, we seem to have run out of.. disposables." "Well, send Snively to get some, there's a village marked on my notepad." "What?!? You haven't got them yet?" "No.. I've been too busy studying jump traces.. it seems that four humanoids and one robot have entered our world..." "Humans! Packbell--get them! I haven't tortured humans since..." he stared at Snively who began backing off "... since.. yesterday!" The android acknowledged. >From inside the control centre, the overlords nephew's head hitting the wall like a ping-pong ball caused the entire structure to resonate. ** ** ** ** "How much further SiMan?" whined the Princess. "Oh, not much your highness, SiMan Belgoon never gets lost!" "That's notacus!" complained StickyGUS, "are you forgetting about the timicus in Clutsovania?" "Oh that?" he laughed, "I was just a little bit confused.." "Simanius.. we had to begicus directions..." The princess mottioned them to keep quite, "Quite guys, somebodies coming!" "SiMan Belgoon is a master of invisibility.." "Sure, now just keep quite!" "I can blend right into the background.." "Great just *keep* quite!" The group members each hid behind a tree. ** ** ** ** Tails walked unknowingly on, Sally following some distance behind him, using the excuse she always did to keep an eye out on him--that she needed a walk. As the cub turned past one of the trees, there was a muffled whimpering sound, and he dissapeared. Sally ran towards the spot, and in an instant was facing SiMan Belgoon--his whip wrapped around her waist. "Aaah, how nice of you to join us.." he boasted. "Who are you?!?" "SiMan Belgoon.." he bowed, "..at your service!" Kalvin felt a bit left out so he also added an advert, "..of the M-team!" SiMan, yanked his whip, causing Sally to unwind in the lamo style like in cheap cartoons. She landed on the ground, looking up at Captain-M; Who was holding Tails. He dropped the fox cub next to her, and then the human princess took over. She walked to Kalvin, who had his gun trained on the furries, and pointed at Tails. "Kalvin, he'll do just perfect! Look at that warm cuddly fur!" SiMan took a large skinning-knife out of his (seemingly) bottomless backpack. Sally cuddled Tails, warding them off, "Leave him alone! He's only a cub!" "What?!?" asked the other princess. SiMan wasted no time in pulling out a dictionary and stealing the moment, "A cub--young member of a series of species groups, including bears, wolves foxes, lions.. and also a shortened word used to describe an aircraft.." She patted him on the stomach, "I know that, but what I want to know.." turning to Tails, "are there any adults of your kind?" The two freedom fighters were shocked, so SiMan had to put an answer in instead, "..of course there are.. they obviously come from a primitive village." Kalvin finished by picking up the fox and pointing his gun at him, "and you, are going to take us there? Right?" Sally shuddered in silent fear. ** ** ** ** ** When they came into the village, chaos began to assert itself. The human princess beginning the pillow selection process. She looked at Antoine, nope not cuddly enough. She looked at Jason, nope his skin had too many injuries on it. As she headed towards David, Sonic abruptly butt in. "Hey, just a Sonic sec, what's going on here?" Captain-M looked at him, and smiled. "Hey princess, do you mind if we bring him back with us?" "Okay Kalvin, but you know the rule with pets.." It was then that SiMan remembered the SAGA fan who had been turned into a fox, he whispered something into Kalvin's ear. Kalvin then picked up Sally like a wet tea-towel, holding his blaster to her head, "Okay, there's someone here who joined you a while ago.. who?" Sally stared into David's eyes, "I won't tell you!" She was a matyr or whatever they were called, Dave thought to himself, a few moments later he found out she wasn't the only one--as he admitted that he was the one. With that, the M-Team selected their souvenirs, the princess took well, the princess. The game-master took the faster-game-master. Vega man, took the Mega-walrus. Kid StickyGUS, though that Tails would do nicely for archery. SiMan Belgoon really wanted to take the CyberBunny, but ended up taking David for the human princess instead. "Okay!" Smiled Kalvin, as the ropes were looped around their captives, "let's get back to the telezone!" And that they did, trampling through the bushes. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** Simon Howes typed deperately at home on his computer, it seemed for some reason that his mind was losing it's normal ability to generate fractal stories. He loaded another personality--ten minutes later he began to peel himself of the ceiling with a spatula. He then went onto his favourite BBS, hoping to kill some time, the result, he got Chromatiks II diskmag. Yay, now he had the ability to play. BTM.S3M, "behind that mask".. well.. now Simon was depressed even more. He dialed the BBS, and it wasn't engaged. "YES!" he smiled, as he shaked a clenched fist, but uncle Murphy laughed, for the BBS just kept on ringing. Perhaps Rebecca was scared her little computer would get hurt by the lightning from the storm that was now sweeping over the city. Simon looked at the clock above his monitor 11:59, the room seemed to have a frightening ambience--the storm had a hole in it.. just for him--just large enough to brighten his house so that the screen could get a horrid reflection on. The song, played a flute, a sadish flute.. Well.. well.. that is the thread of destiny. And Simon continued to define the alternate realm. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** Walking through the misty forest, Kalvin was one of the first to notice the movement ahead. In the diffused light, something pranced about. A few seconds later it had vanished, Sonic's comments didn't. "Swat-bot! Get outta here!" SiMan laughed, "Please Hedgehog, the M-team fears nothing!" "It's going to contact more of them!" "Oh, shut up!" "Trust me, it will!" With that the human got some sticky tape out of his backpack and gagged him. The walked for about half an hour more, until finally the jump-zone was in sight. It was then that Kalvin saw the army of robots assembled to attack him! He drew his pistol, searching for a target. He found one, a humanoid. Packbell laughed, "Please, put that down.." The swat-bots armed their weapons, and the android spoke again, this time slowly putting emphasis on every syllable. "There.. is .. no .. way .. you .. can .. escape.. " The game-master smiled, "Sorry!" He pulled the trigger, a corny 2-operator-FM-sound emmanated from the pistol, and.. that was all. He made a softish laughing sound, as the teams of Robots jumped down amongst his team and captives, tying one captive to one M-member. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** Back at Robotropolis, they sat waiting their fate. They were in a large metal room with a stage about 2 meters high. Robotnik stood gloating on it, making comments on how they were going to be robotocized. After ten minutes, he left them alone as he went to prepare the robotocizer for their arrival. Sonic moved his splines a bit, trying to make it as uncomfortable as possible for Kalvin who was tied to his back. The human, in turn responded with an insulting comment. The human princess began next, "VegaMan, help! I don't want to.." He croaked, "Sorry your highness, I can't get free..." "Well, it's not like you've got anything to lose.. you're a robot!" They began arguing, David moaned... this was not the way he wanted to end his organic functioning. "STOP IT!" he commanded, "We're all in trouble, we're all going to get robotocized, and all you can do is fight!" The quieted. He continued, "For goodness sake, we're all similar. Look, we got two hero's tied back to back, each one taking on a mega-techno-enemy. Two-princess's, who have had their fathers sent into a void where mirrors and crystals seem to have odd properties. Two mega techno-strong dudes, two fly guys.. hey.. and we've got two mindless morons who mumble on." He felt slightly honoured that he was being compared to the blithering idiot he was tied to--SiMan Belgoon. "Now, are we going to work together?" It was a stupid question, of course they were.. whether they liked one another or not--they liked the idea of being a slave less than bad company. After a good deal of struggling, which involved them making a human.. well.. person pyramid, to position Tails so he could rampage through SiMan's backpack--looking for a knife or something sharp to cut them free, they were quite humoured. 1 live chicken, a watermellon, inflatable bike, coin press, acme anvil, and finally an electric bread cutter. The group that was all supporting StickyGUS and Tails sighed in relief, as they cut the rope around SiMan and David. SiMan fell back, David too, something flew out of Belgoon's backpack... a shiny toroid.. "MmmPPWWER MRRINGG!" Sonic tried to spit out through the gag he still had on, Sally after getting free removed it. A few minutes later they were all free. Sonic picked up the Power-Ring, "Hey Si? Wheredya get this?" "Oh that, I found it in this pond.." "Way cool, let's cruise." "Wait!" butt in the human princess, "we need the matter-translater--it's the only way we can get home again." "Robotnik!" commented Sally. The hedgehog looked worriedly, "Okay.. I'll get it!" Captain-M looked oddly, "Hey, we still have to get out of here!" David gave his strategic mind to them, "What if we break into two teams, collect a laser for you.." he motioned Kalvin, "get some percolated for me.." "And.." he motioned Sonic, "get the translator.." They all agreed that the teams would be mixtures of M and Freedom Fighters, that way neither side would have to worry about any (Brutus) backstabbing. The teams were as follows: A-Team: Sonic , Princess of Prowler , Tails , Vegaman, David. B-Team: Kalvin, Princess Sally , StickiGUS, Rotor , SiMan. It was decided that the A-team would collect the matter translator and the high octane fuel, while the B-team would get a laser-rifle or two, and clear a way out of the base--while providing a distraction for the A-team. There were two doors in the room, each team took a door, not knowing whether they would see their friends in the other team again. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** A lone swat-bot was most abruptly suprised as a whip wrapped itself around it, however, though it was "shocked", the whip did little more than leave an unpleasant smell on it's 15Cm of titanium armour. "Ohh dear", remarked SiMan as it trampled towards him. Kalvin looked at the metallic beast, hah, too easy, too easy, he was a gamemaster. He smiled, placing one finger on the gamepad on his belt. "Hey.. ugly over here!" The robot turned to face him as he jammed the button, once again another cruddy FM sound was heard and no physical effect or magical graphics were seen. Kalvin backed up towards a wall, bumping his spine into a pipe. The robot came closer, and closer, giving him a real idea of what it felt like to be freedom fighter--shit scary. Suddenly the robot stopped, the whip still attached around it's waste, and it's 'arms' still pinned to it's side, it dropped like a christmas beetle to the ground. Sally smiled, holding the smoking rifle... the same rifle it dropped when it had been hit by the whip. ** ** ** ** ** A thousand billion light years away under the solar warmth that sometimes dared to penetrate the clouds that hung over the little piece of land jutting out of the blue water, past the trees and the wrecked buildings, over forests, and over destroyed dreams. Thaddeus Body screamed, of all things that patch of Ablaters.. that Sonic patch.. that .. that.. oh.. Sonic and Tails had beaten him again, making his Doom nightmares even worse, hey he used to feel tough, strong and macho when he had a shotgun. But thanks to the power of DEHACKED, the hedgehog could run a circle around him in the time he took between shots. "I hate that hedgehog" he muttered, his brother laughing in the background "Crappy Sonic.. Crappy Sonic." It was about then that he decided he needed a drink of nice cool refreshing orange juice, though, seeing it was winter.. imitation Noros would have to do instead. He stood up, and noticed the strain on his legs once more, damn, doom always did that to him, ammong other things he was shivering. The standard effects of forgetting to eat while playing computer games. He walked through into the kitchen to see someone had left the cold water bottle out of the fridge. Damn, it was standard practice for his younger brother to abandon the thing when it was out of water. "DAMNIT.. IF SOME PEOPLE WOULD REFILL THE WATER AROUND HERE!" He opened the fridge, at least the 30 milli-litres of Noros would be cold, he poured the horrid fluid into a cup, poured some warm water from the tap into his cup and reeled at it. "Oh.. need icecubes." He opened the freezer to see an odd looking icecube, unlike the others it was glowing green.. strange he thought to himself as he picked it up, maybe his brother had been freezing Jello again. Geesh, of all things, he hated it when the little runt started shoving stuff in the freezer, it seemed to be a metal disorder induced by watching too much "Toiwminator II." However when he pulled the green cube out, he began to consider the fatal possibility that it wasn't a standard drink coolant, nor a frozen dessert ingredient. The stone glowed wierdly, emmanating a sort of light. He looked around, nobody was watching him, so he slipped it into his pocket and retreated to the safety of his "den." Inside he placed it on the table and examined it, it was perfectly square, on the left side there were three buttons, marked: "BITEND,BYTEEND,HIGH." Making no logic of it he began to ponder how it would do at cooling his drink, suddenly a fizzle of light appeared above it. Sparking in golden aura's of mystery. Out of it formed an image.. it was a human, wearing a SEGA shirt. The hologram spoke, "Thad, I don't have much time to explain, I think they're billing my account, and Mobius is DAMNED far. But well.. because the communications service is so good here, you are getting this message before I actually send it. Now listen well, press all three of the buttons on this thing, it will teleport you to Mobius. When you arrive, remember, you have to stop Sonic from using his power ring.. otherwise we are all going to be soup." The image began to fade away, leaving Thad very, very, very.. confused. ** ** ** ** ** ** Something ran over the cruddy monitors display before the human could figure out exactly what it was. He managed to look up in time to see a graph whizz by, whatever it was.. it meant danger. Bill knew that this would oneday come, and now he had no choice, he would have to go out in combat.. like a programmer. He was born a programmer and he would die one. And the will that inspired him was simple--an insult, someone had dared to crash Windoze 95 (Mobian Release)! Something he couldn't tolerate... no it was simply unacceptable.. and whoever was to blame would pay dearly. Uncle Gates, slapped his MacroSlop jacket on, donned his GLOCK and pumper, copied tetris-pro onto a CD and headed for the port'al room. He passed armed imperial macroslop guards as he went, they saluted him--he was more of a coder then they. At the centre of the wall stood the glowing cyan spawner. It was shaped like a window, with four coloured squares instead of glass, each of these squares took the user to another direction. And if, the user became stuck at any time, he could simply pull down the easy to read online help. Someone stood behind the teleport control machine, saluting he threw the switch, turning the coloured port'als into windows, each one seeing out into another kingdom. He pranced through the hole and appeared in Mobius. As he touched the floor he though to himself how odd it was, last time he had been here, that was when that Acorn chap ruled, things were so much different. The street where he stood was more grassy, less tarry, and the sky was a good deal more blue. "Well Acorn" he thought to himself, "it's an interesting change." He still remembered the king, perhaps he would stop by and get some coffie, after all they were good friends. Macroslop had coded Mobius's most succesful auto city defence software. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** Thad ran through Robotropolis, a series of SWAT-bots following him. In the excitement he had forgot to bring any sort of weapon, though he did have an umbrella.. but then again 10CM of stainless steel armour usually didn't get pierced by atmosphere manipulator systems. A laser crashed down behind him, causing him to feel a surge of power like no other, he was now running at a rate he never would have believed possible. The thought crossed his mind about SWAT-bot's as athletic coaches.. but he wasn't about to ask one. In the distance stood a man in a "I love Windoze" jacket, he seemed to be oblivious to the oncoming danger. Thad screamed with all his might, "HEY GPF, LOOK OUT!" Bill rotated his body, shotgun drawn. Shortly Thad after noticing it was pointing at him, stopped, the robots gaining in the distance. "Hey.. I'm on your side.. just lookout for those.. SWAT-BOTS!!" A lone robot stood in front of them, Thad cowered behind the shotgun holder. The machine spoke, "HALT FREEDOM FIGHTER YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!" Bill twisted his face to the side, "Help." The machine stood there, almost curious to his command. The human's eyes suddenly glowed red with anger, "WHAT! NO ONLINE HELP! DAMN YOU.. YOU DAMNED OasiS/2 USER! DIE DIE!" He reeled shot after shot at the machine. ** A bruising half an hour later ** Stainless steel armour was stronger than lead, the two realised as Robotnik grinned at them through the glass. They were in separate robotocizers, the cylinders already lowered. Julian laughed, evily, "Tell me.. Mr Gates.. you know I always have wanted to ask this question.. what happens if you defrag while you are in Windoze 3.1111?" "Oh.. only a moron would do something like.." The man in red's facial expression showed who the Moron had been. Bill quivered, "of course, I mean.. that is a little bug.. really isn't it?" "Yes.. indeed it is.. indeed it is.. now tell me dear young Todd.. or whatever your name was.. have you ever played Doom?" He tried to suck up, "Yeah.. and I got this way cool Sonic patch, from Simon Howes in South Africa.. IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! And..well you shoot Sonic and Tails.. like a lot.." "Simon can wait till later, besides I can't teleport him here as his AND-DX40 interferes with the teleporter. Now.. about this doom, were you ever amazed by the texture mapping? Did you enjoy the thrill of shooting, killing, and racing around virtual complexes? Did you ever think it was the best program you ever saw?" "YES! YES! YES!" Bill in the other chamber lifted his glasses slightly, "honestly, such incompatible DOS4Gee_W programs, I just don't see how you can enjoy them.." "SHUT UP!" unisoned the two. "Now" put in Robotnik, "won't you be happy to see IP's Quack?" "YES!" "Good, well.. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO!" he burst into uncontrolled laughter, nearly falling over at times. "GOODBYE!" He clicked the button in and walked out of the room, the SWAT-Bots could take care of the rest. Besides, he had better things to do.. like play Epit's ZZZT. As the robotocizer began powering up, Thad looked over to Bill. "You damned moron, this is all your fault! WINDOZE CO-ORD!" A yellow beam came down over him, then Bill, he knew he was doomed, as was Sonic, for nothing could stop him using the Power-Ring now. Something happened, as the robotocizer scanned Gates, it detected the silver CD in his pocket, it frantically read it, and uploaded it to the system for study. The machine stopped, still in scan phase, and the glass shrouds lifted, letting the still organic beings out. Thad saw the message "Unable to find vbrun300.dll" on the one display. Bill mumbled a comment about sloppy harddrive management. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** As Sonic dived at a SWAT-bot in his full rotational fury, it suddenly dropped out it's way. He ended up half a second later on the floor, spitting out pieces of cement. As for the SWAT-bot.. it was strangely offline. The team walked on, finding every single robot in the entire structure .. powerless. It was easy to get the matter-translater, Robotnik was far to busy slamming the keyboard in anger to notice the hedgehog creep in. David got his cup of coffie with great ease too, though now there was nothing to try it out on. The team met safely at the main gate. Sonic embraced Sally, but suddenly stopped. "Sal.. do *you* hear that?" She pricked her ears up, in the far off distance she could hear something, a type of crackling.. no a type of.. CHEERING! Robotocized citizens everywhere had broken their bonds, and were trashing the factories in which they worked. "Hey, Sal.. wait here.. I'm gonna check it out." Thaddeus dived into vision, pulling the power-ring out of Sonic's hand before he could use it. The resulting forces however threw the human face down onto the floor. Sonic walked over to the stunned figure, "hey buddy, what's the problem?" "No.. no.. power-ring.. no power-ring.. don't use it.. was warned by time transport.. don't use this ring.." His tired body lapsed into sleep. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** He awoke three weeks later, though when he looked up, he saw the strangest thing. Above him was a wooden ceiling, a beautiful wooden ceiling. Around him stood Sonic and Sally, as well as someone wearing a crown. He smiled at the human, "Thankyou boy.. for your courage has saved us all." "Whe.. where am I? Who.. who.. are you?" "You.. are in the second royal palace, and I am the King, King Acorn." His eyes grew large in amazement, "I though the palace was destroyed.." "It was.. but you don't get to my age by being stupid, I always considered I might need a second concealed castle, just in case the wife started began on of those.. most embarassing divorce suits.." Thad stood up to stare out the window, outside the free mobians, who by the looks of it were derobotocized, were beginning the hard task of rebuilding their garden city. They were succeeding too. "How?" David stepped over to him, laughing, "when windoze hangs, it takes the whole network with it. Robotnik even had his power stations running of the Gateway, when that crashed, he couldn't even reboot." "Where is Bill now?" "Oh.. well after he.. err.. expressed his irritation, with a GLOCK to Robotnik, he went back to Earth. It seems that he was rather ticked that Ivo errored out Windoze 95." "How?" "He shelled to MS-DOG to run ZZZT." "So.. " he smiled, "it was his own passion for adventure that destroyed him." The king smiled, "Indeed it was, and it has cost him dearly.. but that no longer matters friends, for now is a time for a grand feast." ### And so our story ended, with the M-team pushing off with their matter translator, David decided to stay on Mobius, rather than risk having to get a.. [fox/dog?] license for himself from the SPCA. Thaddeus however, decided that though the world he was born on sucked, it was his destiny. And now the forces of evil had been banished here.. he could return home and sleep peacefully, knowing the onslaught was over, and that never again, forces of such evil would tear a planet. Of course, Bill was hailed a Mobian hero, they named a day after him, a day where everybody painted their windows in different colours. It was called the day of the write-back-cache. Back on Earth the human genius rolled in his earnings from the Macroslop products, but something he detected was wrong.. every day, there were more OasiS/2 users. Every day.. someone would write him into a satire. The humans couldn't accept their fate, he looked over a machine he had acquired, that now rested in his television room. He stroked the glass cylinder smoothly, and spoke softly to himself, "The users, will just have to be made more efficient.. won't they Bill." And that is what he did. The End. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Free Mobius= A Phreaked Earth. Okay, here are the crappy morals: ------------------------------------- þ Even though the two teams were different species, they managed to work together. Why then should we be racist? þ Love Conquers All, King Grayhum. þ Never, never, never.. try taking on a SWAT-Bot in unnarmed combat. þ Don't bother posting David any web-stories, he doesn't live on Earth anymore, and Mobius has CompuSurf. (Well, that the impression *I* got) þ Do not expose percolated_coffie to a naked flame! þ Do not freeze Jello. þ Chill, loosen up, grow some fur and a cute tail, then move the hell of this sphere of shit we're on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ablater's FAQ list -------------------- Q. Why mustn't Sonic use the power ring? A. Urrm, well actually.. urrm.. ohya.. SiMan got jam on it while it was in his backpack, this would have affected the DNA recognition of the ring, blowing the little dude into a coupl'a'billion_pieces. Q. If he nuked, how did David send a message from the future? A. Urrmm.. well.. oh yah.. David was still on a coffie high, and was able to outrun the photons, to read the Eudoma manual and mail Thad. Q. How did the green-icecube end up in Thad's freezer? A. uhuhuh.. geesh.. How the hell am I susposed to know that? I ONLY MAKE THE STUPID STORIES! Q. How would I got about getting a alt.sonic.die.die.die list? A1.You again, I though I had you taken care off.. A2.Phone that nice lady (Anne) and tell her about your deep intentions, she will give you a santa-like costume to wear. Put it on, grow and orange mustache, and pay Me, Thad, Linds_E, Dan, Shawn, or Brad a visit. A3.While running Windoze, start recording a wave file, shell to an old HD defragger, and defrag your Harddrive.. if you can recover it from that you can do *ANYTHING* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .. Who dares take a shovel to the soils of their heart?