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Horse Sense: Super Bowl® XL - 3rd of February, 2006

By David Frisk

Detroit. It's a city. A big city with people, cars, buildings . . . more people . . . but it is not just any normal city. Forget everything you've heard. This is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth—Detroit is hosting Super Bowl® XL. And why is it extra large? Because it's number forty. That's right, the big Four-Oh.

This being my inaugural column, I could be talking about the State of the Union or the Middle East or car washes, but how could I pass up the opportunity to talk about the Super Bowl®? They play football there! Football. On a field. In America. In Detroit. In Michigan. In the northern hemisphere. And being from the city (well, a suburb) of Detroit, I'm riding the hype wave, baby! All the way to the Super Bowl®!

Now according to legend, the game of Football (at least in the context of America) was born out of the fires of the American Revolution, when General George Washington scored the first touchdown in the very first Super Bowl®. But since the first Super Bowl® was forty years ago, and George Washington died over two hundred years ago, this is false. The game of Football did exist before the bowl of super-ness, but it did not achieve its final form until some time after the game was invented. Today, those balls of foot are controlled by the NFL (National Football League), a group which doesn't just dictate one rule or team, but has an iron grip on a national scale. That means when they say something, people interested in National Football listen. They have yet to be overthrown by a foreign country. But that's all in the past. People want to know the here and now! They want to know the when, the where, and the how! It's Super Bowl® fever, and the place to be come this Sunday is Detroit!

. . . no, seriously.

The city of Detroit was not everyone's first choice of being the host for this fortieth game of Super, because the city is located in a state that has winter. Real winter. And because the Super Bowl® is traditionally played in the winter months, that means that it's winter while the game is played. And the further north you go, the colder it gets. This means that Detroit could get cold come game day. Heck, it could even snow! No wonder why the Lions never win a game! They become frozen! Have you ever seen a Popsicle do a triple Lutz? I hope not, because that isn't used in Football. Why did you even bring it up?! I'm writing this article, not you! Stop undressing me with your eyes!

Let's move on. Now there are two teams playing in this game of Bowl, teams that come from different cities. One is from Pittsburgh (the Pittsburgh Steelers) and one is from Seattle (the Seattle Seahawks). They both play Football. And on Sunday, they'll be playing Football once more . . . or else. One of these teams will win the Steve Lombardi, and one of these teams will go home with nothing. They'll lose. Good day, sir! And no matter the outcome, the results will take place in Detroit. But not just any ol' place in the city, no siree! It shall be at the home of the Detroit Lions: Ford Field. Owned by the Ford family. These people with money also own the Detroit Lions, although they might not speak of them in pleasant company. Who are the Fords, you may ask? They are a family that likes to build cars. I hear they don't build them all by themselves . . . apparently they have factories with people they hire to work in them. Crazy, I know, but it's the truth. I can't hide the truth! I must let the people know!

So who is favored to win? It is no secret that Horseface.org, who has graciously decided to host these bursts of prose, is based within Pennsylvania. So the entire might of mouse art is behind the Steelers. And believe me, there is no way you can fight off mouse art. I've tried.

But in my research (Wikipedia.org) I came across a shocking fact: Football is not played with a foot.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Yes, it's true that they kick the ball from time to time (as well as use their hands, even though the game isn't called handball), but not once are there any feet exchanged! But at least when Football is played in the United States, there is only one foot used in the act of kicking. I do not mean to offend our European readers (as well as South America, Australia, Africa, and Asia) but the sport which they pass off as "Football" involves kicking with both feet. Therefore, the game should be called "Feetball" and end all confusion.

Oh, how could I forget about all the media coverage surrounding the Super Bowl®? There's ton of media coverage surrounding the Super Bowl®. The game is not played behind closed doors, but is performed in front of a live studio audience, and is watched by over one-thousand people. There might be more, but Wikipedia didn't tell me. The game is also broadcast on a magical box called a "television" which can broadcast images far beyond the people sitting in the stadium. These images can be seen in more than four states, but less than fifty-one, plus other countries which are not the Unites States. The game, along with short advertising films called "commercials" has captured the world's attention year after year after year (x40). It's almost like a drug, but I don't know many people who snort footballs.

Of course, there's more to this whole "football" thing, but if you're interested in who holds the record for the most rushing yards in a Super Bowl®, use Google! My word, it's almost as if this game has been played by more than seven people at any one time! This isn't a general article about the Super Bowl®; this is about the impact on Detroit! This is about all those national celebrities invading the city, going to parties filled with scantily clad women! This means they aren't Amish. Neither are the Rolling Stones. And the Stones aren't playing Football even though they'll be on the field.

So come this Sunday, gather round the plasma black and white television and remember the true meaning of Christmas. As for me, I'll be in the press box, reporting on all the action as it happ-what's that? What do you mean I don't have any press credentials? I can't get in the game?! Why that's . . . that's . . .

I should have gotten a job at CNN.