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Horse Sense: "The Da Vinci Code" Book Review - 6th of June, 2006

By David Frisk

Well, it's been a while since I've written one of these things, but they're supposed to be topical and on the mark. And really, what has happened since the last time I wrote one? Nothing, that's what!

. . . ok, so the truth is that I'm just lazy. But really, who isn't? This is the internet, after all. However, I'm not here to just ramble on about nothing. No, this is to inform. And who doesn't want to know the truth behind one of the summer's biggest movies? That's right, I'm talking about The Da Vinci Code. It has been causing a huge amount of controversy, and I'm not just talking about Tom Hank's hair. But how do you separate fact from fiction? That's what I'm here for. So you can cut your way through the thick cloud that is confusion and discover that magical world that is the truth. Even if you can't handle it. Which we all know you can't. If you explode after hearing it, it's not my fault.

So if we're going to start somewhere, it might as well be the beginning. Since I've only read the first half of the book, I'm an expert at beginnings. And really, who needs to know what happens afterwards? I'll get sued if I try and reproduce the novel. That curious? Read it yourself! Or watch the movie. It's all the same.

Anyway, as I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, it starts with a murder. Yes, that's right&emdash;someone dies not by natural causes, but by the hands of another. This event is the cornerstone of both the book and the movie, and strangely enough neither the man who is murdered nor the one who does it is Leonardo Da Vinci. You know what I call that? False advertising. If you're gong to spend your hard earned cash, you should be prepared for this falsity.

Now I don't want to spoil anything, but I just can't help myself. Most of the book takes place in France. France is a country in Europe. It touches other countries. There are some rumors that they speak a foreign language called "French." However, they are not in some random location in France. Those first few chapters take place in a building called the Louvre. This place is a museum, which means that variousTh works of art are displayed. I know that it might cause an uproar that the novel even mentions France, but that is not where the center of the controversy lies in the saga of paint.

It is here that we are introduced to our main protagonist, Robert Langdon. It seems that he's a male human just like Da Vinci was, which presents a very curious similarity. They both breathe air. They both eat food. They both speak words. With such startling similarities, I can understand why some people feel that Dan Brown is twisting history to make his story work. There is also a female character named Sophie, who gets involved in the investigation. Being female, her anatomy is strikingly different from Langdon's. To suggest that there is a difference between the sexes is almost sacrilegious. We all know that there is no difference down there. I've looked at Barbie dolls naked. Smooth around the bend, my friend. Smooth around the bend.

These two people soon go on the run, being blamed for the above-mentioned murder, even though they had nothing to do with it. Or do they? No, they don't. There is no disguising the fact that they had nothing to do with it as the first pages describes what the murderer looks like. I know you're going to freak out, but it's another male. And he is connected to some organization called "Opus Dei." I was going to research them and find out if they're nice or mean or if they do anything important, but I decided against that. I mean, really. What kind of a name is Opus Dei? That's not even English! It's almost as if it's trying to invoke something ancient. You know who else is ancient? Souppy Sails. And he's not in the movie, is he? Is he in Opus Dei? No. That's why I'm not talking about Opus Dei—because they refuse to invite Souppy Sails into their organization.

One of the more fascinating aspects of The Da Vinci Code is the many codes that fill the pages. I can see why this would cause even more controversy. Not one code in the book helped me out with my high score in Frogger. None of them granted me unlimited health in Castlevania. No secret power ups in Mega Man. No level select for Sonic the Hedgehog. And worse of all, the fabled Contra cheat was omitted entirely. Leonardo Da Vinci may have been one of the greatest men who ever lived, but he certainly wasn't a Nintendo kid. Must have invested his money in the TurboGrafx 16. . . .

But perhaps the most shocking aspect of the entire The Da Vinci Code is how it's written. This may be lost on those who choose to watch it as a film instead of reading it as a book, but all those secret rituals and codes and descriptions share one thing in common—words. That's right, what few people dare to admit is that the book was written with words (mostly English) which were subsequently published on paper and sold to the mass market. This even earned people money, supporting capitalism. Which can only mean one thing—it is not the Catholics who are the most upset about this novel . . . it's the Communists.

Think about it. What color is the cover of the book? Red. What color is blood? Red. What color is Mario's hat? Red. What color is red? Red. The famous codes that are talked of in the book stretch far beyond the text. This color must relate to some grand conspiracy that only a grand code master can unlock! Stalin will not rest until the people of Russia unlock the secrets of Tom Hanks! If you look closely, you may see the color red in the show Bosom Buddies!

. . . sorry, got a bit carried away.

To be honest, it's not a bad book. It's well written and certainly a cut above all the furry fanfiction that fills the internet. I know some of you might find a White Ranger/Amy Rose pairing alluring, but you're in a small crowd. And it is only fiction, which means that the story is made up. The author may not have made up the ideas of humans, but he might have made up other things.

Oh yeah, and Jesus plays into this somewhere. It's not that clear, so it should just be ignored completely. It's not like there's any religious overtones in the story.

. . .

6/6/06 OMG THE DAY OF THE BEAST THE DA VINCI CODE TIES IN THAT'S WHY THIS IS POSTED WHY CAN'T YOU ALL SEE IT TOM HANKS HAIR IS THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL I KNEW IT WHY CAN'T YOU ALL SEE IT

. . . I knew I should have written about The Omen.