Celebrity Deathmatch AAA Written by Nav NOTE: The following is written in the form of a MiSTing. It will be as if the commentators are riffing the matches, with the fights being in prose, and the commentary being in script. You may think the idea is crappy. I call it "Innovative". So shut up and read the dang fic. ________________________ (Rated TV14[V]) (insert cheering and air horn blast here) The following is a work of fiction. The events depicted here may not necessarily be the opinions of the author. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah...... .....anyway, IT'S JUST TEXT!!! ________________________ [Celebrity Deathmatch Arena] Johnny Gomez (V.O.): Which Dungeons & Dragons(TM) character class will triumph over the rest in our DOME OF DEVISTATION(TM)? (Cut to pictures of all 7 representatives from Fighter, Magic User, Cleric, Thief, Elf, Dwarf, and Halfling classes) Johnny(V.O.): Will mortal man be able to triumph over mighty machine? (cut to pictures of Referee Mills Lane and the AAA Robo Ref) Johnny (V.O.): And, In conjunction with the Author Avatar Association, which unknown soldier will gain a shot at the big time in an all out battle royal? (Cut to pictures of Takei Orouchi, Craig Vincent, Myles Buchanan, Kyrind Branford, Captain Universe, and The Great Red Rerpent) Johnny(V.O.): Find out tonight, on: CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!! (crowd erupts into cheers) (commentator booth, Johnny and Nick are in their seats) Johnny: Hi, I'm Johnny Gomez. Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. Johnny: And here tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch, we have one massive festival of violence tonight! Nick: That's right, Johnny! Tonight's fights are not only some of the biggest participation-wise, but we also have the honor of broadcasting this event in conjunction with the Author Avatar Association! Johnny: Yup! And one of our three events will involve some serious combat from these overpowered fanboys! Nick: Let's take a look at the carnage we have lined up tonight, Johnny! Johnny: Let's do. (cut to view of entire deathmatch arena. The words "FIGHT 1" Appear and vanish, replaced by the pictures of 7 combatants, each of a different character class) Johnny(V.O.): Tonight's first match is the answer to every nerd's ultimate question! Nick(V.O.): 42? Johnny(V.O.): Very funny. The question? Which Dungeons & Dragons character class is the best to go with? That answer will be given tonight, when the top representatives from the classes of Fighter, Magic user, Cleric, Thief, Elf, Dwarf, AND Halfling go at it in the DOME OF DEVASTATION. 7 fighters go in, only one gets out alive. Nick(V.O.): But that isn't ALL the carnage we will be having tonight, folks! no way! (pictures fade, and are replaced by the words FIGHT 2. the words then vanish, and are replaced by pictures of Mills Lane and the AAA Robo Ref) Nick(V.O.): Our second celebration of slaughter will involve the two referees that have witnessed more brutal combat in the ring than anyone else of their profession! It's a battle of Man vs. Machine, Skin vs. Silicon, Thought vs. Programming! Celebrity Deathmatch's own referee Mills Lane will battle the AAA's robo referee in a grueling fight to the death for the title of "WORLDS GREATEST REFEREE"!!! Johnny(V.O.): But we still have our MAIN EVENT to come up! (pictures fade, and are replaced by the words MAIN EVENT. Words then dissappear and are replaced by pictures of Takei Orouchi, Craig Vincent, Myles Buchanan, Kyrind Branford, Captain Universe, and The Great Red Serpent) Johnny(V.O.): These six barely-knowns of the Author Avatar Association have had - at most - 3 fights. Bored with sitting around and watching the higher up fighters like David Kintobar, Oscar Martinez, Navonod "Nav" Semaj, the former Sailor Soulstone, and other high up contenders getting all the fights, they decided to demand of the Powers That Be that they get more action. And their wish was granted. Tonight, the Deathmatch Arena will be the battlefield for these six! Although there is no killing allowed... (crowd boos, then quickly shuts up) Johnny(V.O.): ... This should STILL be one HELL of a fight, in their battle for the unofficial title of "KING OF JOBBERS"! (cut back to commentator Booth) Johnny: Now, Nick, I hear that Tonight's Celebrity Deathmatch has a special guest referee! Nick: That's right, Johnny! Tonight, since Mills Lane is training for his battle against the Robo ref, we have a guest referee to fill in for him in all three matches. Tonight, please welcome our guest, NAV THE DESTROYER! (camera switches over to view of the ring. Nav, dressed in his usual clothing, fires a 30 round clip of blanks from his M-16 into the air as response to the crowds cheers) (camera back to commentary booth) Johnny: Now, as for tonight's first match up, representatives of each of the 7 classes in Dungeons & Dragons will enter the DOME OF DEVASTATION in a fight to prove which class is the greatest. Nick: And it looks like our combatants are ready! (Switch to the arena. All 8 participants - 7 combatants and 1 referee - stand in the ring, as the mighty DOME OF DEVASTATION encloses them) Nick(V.O.): and let the chaos begin! FIGHT 1: 7 man DOME OF DEVASTATION rumble Combatants------------------------------- Bortas Magrevik(Fighter, Male) Nell Andromeda(Magic User, Female) Father Paul Windtower(Cleric, Male) Diane Lancer(Thief, Female) Eli Brockwood(Elf, Male) Dugan Digdug(Dwarf, Male) Casper Noob(Halfling, Male) All 7 combatants, all having much experience in combat(each human was at level 15, the dwarf at 12, elf at 10, and halfling at 8), were ready for what could well be their last fight. They looked at their surroundings, and glanced at each other. Johnny: Introducing, our D&D Class representatives tonight! (switch to view of fighter. He is about 7' tall, has a thick black beard, and is wearing a full suit of red platemail and a red shield. On his back is a backpack, and In his hand, he has a large flaming sword) Johnny: The representative of the fighter class, Bortas Magrevik! (switch to view of a small woman, about 5'1''. She has blond hair, and wears a blue dress with strange gold designs embroidered on it. She holds a White glowing dagger, and a large scroll) Johnny: the representative of the Magic user class, Nell Andromeda! (switch to a middle aged, balding man. He has a Blue glowing chainmail vest on, covered by a blue robe. He has with him a white shield with gold cross, and a snakestaff. He also wears a backpack) Johnny: The representative of the cleric class, Father Paul Windtower! (switch to another thin blond woman. She wears a leather vest and slacks, and holds a black short sword in her hand. on her belt is a set of white daggers) Johnny: the representative of the Thief Class, Diane Lancer! (switch to an elf of about medium height. He has medium-long blond hair, and wears a plate mail vest. He has sheathed a short sword, and has drawn a loaded crossbow) Johnny: The representative of the Elf race, Eli Brockwood! (switch to a dwarf of about 4' tall. He has a thick black beard, is clad in dwarven platemail and shield, and has a large hand axe with him) Johnny: The representative of the Dwarf race, Dugan Digdug! (switch to a halfling male. he wears halfling chainmail, and has with him a short sword and a scroll) Johnny: and finally, the Halfling race representative, Casper Noob! Nick: and now for the carnage to begin! Nav and the combatants met in the center of the ring, as He explained the rules. "ALLRIGHT! I want a good, clean fight! No arguing with the Dungeon Master. No saving throws against Energy Drains. And No, I repeat, NO bringing characters back to life! Once yer dead, yer dead! Anyone caught cheating will be shot on sight. Do you understand?" "YEAH!" The Representatives replied. "Allright, then." Nav said. "In the immortal words of Mills Lane, LET'S GET IT ON!" The Fight Bell rang, and the combatants immediately went at each other. Johnny: And right at the bell, they immediately unleash their thirst for each others blood! Nick: This is gonna be one great fight! The combatants quickly divided up, each taking one specific target. Bortas vs. Nell, Paul vs. Diane, Eli vs. Dugan, and Casper was left without a target. But for him, this was a good thing, as he walked to the ring's center, and unraveled his scroll. Johnny: Casper has pulled out a scroll. What is he going to do with it? Nick: It's probably a protection scroll. Johnny: Wait a minute! What's going on with him? Casper instantly went into a convulsive fit, while sputtering profanities that the writer dares not repeat. Nick: Oh no! He must have accidentally brought with him a CURSED SCROLL! Johnny: That's gonna cost him. Nick was proven right, as Casper's body started to corrode. His ribcage bursted out of his chest, spraying blood and body organs everywhere. The other combatants stopped their fighting, appalled by what was happening. Nav looked upon the spectacle of death, and yawned. "Casper Noob has been eliminated" Johnny: AND ONE MAN IS DOWN! Nick: Only five more deaths untill we get a winner! As Nav pulled out a pair of tongs to pick up the remaining solid piece of Casper's carcass, a sadistic laughter could be heard from the audience. Johnny: What the heck is that? A woman, about 18 years old and wearing a "HALFLINGS SUCK" T-shirt, stood up and triumphantly waved around a scroll similar in look to the one that killed Casper. Johnny: Well, that explains it, folks! That woman must have switched the scroll Casper was GOING to use with a cursed one! Nick: Just why is it that so many people hate halflings? Nav, noticing that the other contenders were still not fighting, told them to keep fighting or they get the business end of his bayonet in their gut. Johnny: And Nav takes an interesting, albeit unusual way of getting the fight back up and running. The fighting immediately started back up. Bortas sliced off Dugan's Shield arm, and he quickly retaliated by smashing his hand axe into a crack in Bortas' armor. the enraged warrior then sheathed his sword, and picked up the dwarf. He was about to smash Dugan over his knee, when Nell threw a fireball into his back. The ball exploded, engulfing everyone in the arena in flames. Even Nav got burned, but he just downed an octuple healing potion Johnny: AND NELL TAKES ACTION!! All the combatants were strewn about the arena. The only one not knocked down by the blast was..... Johnny: Did I see what I thought I saw??? Nick: Bortas! He's still standing! Bortas smiled, as wings erupted from the back of his armor, and he flew to the top of the dome's inside. Johnny: I can't belive it! Nick: It's Red Dragon Armor! Why didn't I notice it before!? Johnny: Made in exact replica of a red dragon's hide! Giving immunity to fire attack! Nick: And not only that.... Bortas laughed as he breathed fire on Dugan, reducing him to a cinder. Nick: Looks like he failed a saving throw on that one! Johnny: And Dugan is out! Bortas laughed at his opponents, when Diane leapt up at him, caught his legs, climbed up him, and sliced off his wings! Nick: What an amazing feat of agility! And both combatants crash to the ground! Once both were on the ground, all but Nav and Father Windtower piled up on the two, biting and clawing. Nav was removing the dead Dugan, while Paul prayed. Instantly, the other contenders froze. Johnny: And Father Windtower surprises them all with a hold person spell! Nick: This looks like it's gonna be all over pretty soon! Instead of attacking, he just walked up to them. Johnny: What's this? it seems like He's trying to negotiate with them! And he was. The good priest, instead of wanting chaos, wanted order and unity amongst them. "My friends," he said, "Why must we fight? Is it really necessary that we prove which of our professions is superior? We are nothing when alone! But together, we can make a difference in this world, battling back the forces of chaos and evil!" Just then, His spell wore off. Nick: Uh oh, looks like Windtower is gonna pay for what he just did. The combatants, once freed, immediately chased after Father Paul. Round and round the ring they went, when he threw his snakestaff in their path. The staff started to transform..... Johnny: And He sends his snakestaff to attack for him! The snakestaff had transformed into a great Rock Python, which immediately strangled Diane. The others continued to pursue Windtower, but Bortas stopped and killed the snake. Johnny: And he does a good turn, assisting an enemy! Nick: Uh oh, things don't look too good down there. Bortas turned to attack the others, when Diane plunged her short sword through his neck. Nick: Will you look at that! The ol' thiefly backstab! Johnny: Yes, Nick! Or in this case, a neckstab! Bortas coughed up blood as the blade killed him, but in his dying strength, he spun around and sliced a deep gash in Diane's chest with his sword. They both then collapsed to the ground, in a pool of blood. Johnny: That's 2 more slain! Only Windtower, Nell, and Eli remain! Nick: What a fight! Eli had caught up with Father Paul, and was about to cast a magic missile spell, when Nell hit him with some of her own missiles from behind! Eli collapsed, and Nell shot off another volly of magic missiles at Paul. he too was knocked over. Just then, Eli got the strength to get up and face the Mage. Nell was about to throw a fireball, when Eli fired a perfect shot from his crossbow. Nell was struck between the eyes, and fell to the ground. Nick: And an AMAZING shot from Eli! Johnny: We're down to our final two contenders! Nick: Isn't it strange that the final two possess both the abilities of the fighter AND the magic user? Father Paul, without his snakestaff, seemed to be without a weapon. Eli re-loaded his crossbow, and fired another crossbow quarrel, which bounced harmlessly off the Priest's shield. Just then, Windtower pulled something off the back of his shield. Johnny: And it seems that Father Windtower brought along with him a sling! Nick: The very weapon that killed Goliath in the Old Testament of the Bible. Windtower loaded the sling, and prepared to hurl the rock. Eli dropped his crossbow, drew his sword, and charged at the Clergyman. Paul Windtower threw the rock........ Johnny: AND IT HITS! The rock smashes right into Eli's elven skull, smashing his brains out of his head. Nick: OH! He's gonna feel THAT one in the morning! Nav, upon seeing this, walked up to Father Paul Windtower, and held up his arm. "The Winner!" Nav exclaimed. Johnny: AND PAUL WINDTOWER HAS WON THE MATCH!! Nick: It should be expected. You can't lose when you have the highest authority backing you. Johnny: It's been a great match, ladies and gentilemen, but that isn't even the half of it! We still have TWO more brutal fights coming up, after these messages. (cut to commercials) (Setting: An empty dance hall) Announcer: From the Makers of Pure Disco I and II, Pure Funk, and Pure Reggae...... (dance hall immediately fills with middle aged losers in cowboy getup) Announcer: PURE COUNTRY!!! ("Achy Breaky heart" starts playing) Announcer: You can hear all sorts of Country&Western hits like "My Life Sucks Royally"! (awful music starts playing) Announcer: "Hittin' On Cousins" (more awful music plays) Announcer: "I've Cheated On Over a Hundred Million Women" (even MORE awful music plays) Announcer: And so much more! To recieve your CD or cassette, call: (the song "I Just Lost Everything but Got Some Girls" plays as the ordering screen comes up) Announcer: 1-800-6666 for one $19.99 CD or Cassette, or mail us at PURE COUNTRY, 73578 Hick Avenue, Mayberry, GA, 19097 (end commercials.) (Commentator's Booth) Johnny: AND WE'RE BACK! Our next match is to prove which is superior: Man or Machine? And to attempt to prove which one is better, our own referee Mills Lane will do battle with the notorious Author Avatar Association's Robot Referee, A.K.A. the Robo-ref. But before the match, we will be getting an interview between the to combatants. Stacy? (cut to Celebrity Deathmatch locker room, where Deathmatch Correspondent Stacy Cornbread is attempting to talk to Mills Lane, who is beating the crap out of a bunch of automated practice dummies) Stacy Cornbread: Thanks, Johnny. Right now, Mills Lane is hard at work, practicing his killing techniques against these dummies. Mills Lane: HAYA! (in one spinning kick, Mills decapitates six dummies) Stacy: And he seems to be doing quite well! Too bad I can get him to take a break for an interview. Mills: DANG! I was going for ten of those mechanized SOBs! Stacy: Oh well. (walks over to the other end of the locker room, where some engineers are working on the Robo-ref) Maybe I can get these guys to say something. Excuse me, could you tell me exactly what is going on with the Robo ref? Engineer: Certainly! Our Robot Referee is a marvel of technology, being capable of thinking for itself when judging matches, instead of relying on some "set in silicon" programming. All we're doing is changing the mentality slightly so that, when confronting an enemy, it will go postal on him or her or hir! Stacy: Hir? Engineer: That's the pronoun used for Oscar. Stacy: O....k. Anyway, will that assist it in combat? He looks kinda scrawny for a combat machine. (the robo ref sits up, hops off the work table, and walks around. It is about 5 feet tall, and is painted silver. It's head is spherical, with a red rectangular visual sensor and a speaker on the front of the head. It's chest is a metal box, with a metal shaft connecting it to the triangular pelvis. It's arms and legs are thin and weak looking, as are it's hands and feet.) Engineer: It may look like a weakling, but we've also added in some extra "surprises". It also has mastered every move ever used in the AAA! this is one fine tuned killing machine! Stacy: Ok. But in accepting the challenge, Celebrity Deathmatch risks losing a very talented referee! Engineer: Aw, don't worry. If, I mean WHEN our Robo-Ref massacres Mills, we'll gladly give you a version of the robo-ref specially designed to run deathmatches. Stacy: Gee, thanks.(turns to camera) Well, that was the representative of the AAA, speaking on behalf of the Robo-ref. Back to you, Johnny. (cut back to Commentator's booth) Johnny: Well, you heard it straight from the locker room. Both combatants seem to be prepared as hell to fight to the death. Nick: This looks like it's gonna be a even BIGGER fight than that last one! Johnny: The next match is starting! Nick: I sure hope Mills wins this one. I'd prefer him running these matches over some bucket of bolts ANY day! FIGHT 2: Man VS Machine Combatants------------- Mills Lane AAA Robo Ref Both combatants entered the ring, prepared to tear each other apart. Johnny: In the red corner, at undisclosed weight, Celebrity Deathmatch's own referee, MILLS LANE! The crowd cheered as Mills, dressed in usual clothing, raised one fist into the air and shouted. Johnny: And in the blue corner, his opponent from the Author Avatar Association, the titanium terror, the ROBO REF!!!! The robo ref was emotionless, as he walked to the center of the ring to meet Nav and Mills. Nav started with the usual quick rundown of the rules. "I want a good, clean fight! No Trying to run the match yourselves. No switching to decaf. And no girly slapping! Anyone caught cheating will be shot on sight. Due to the conditions of the match, I will allow the both of you to start off the match yourselves at the bell!" The bell then rang. "LETS GET IT ON!" "Commence battle." Johnny: And the fight begins, folks. Mills Lane is already on the offensive! Mills immediately delivered a 7 punch combo to the Robo-ref's head. The machine staggered a bit, but then retaliated with a spin kick to Mills' head, and then performed a sweep kick and pinned the Deathmatch overlord. he held him there, waiting. "Hey, bucket of bolts!" Yelled Nav, "More Action! Quit stalling!" "Please administer Three-count" responded the Robo ref. Johnny & Nick: WHAT??? "This is a Deathmatch! Not the AAA!" Nav yelled. "Wins are only acquired by Kill, Knockout, or submission!" "Information recorded," said the Robot, as he lifted Mills up and slammed him onto the ground repeatedly. Johnny: I can't believe this! Mills is taking one hell of a beating! Nick: I've seen some heavy beatings dealt out before, but this is one of the worst! Johnny: Didn't this also happen when the robotic Flatley killed off the real Mike Flatley and later its creator Bill Gates? Nick: I just hope it doesn't kill him. Our crowd has yet to begin getting drunk! The robo ref, seeing that his slams weren't working, dropped mills and took a few steps back. Mills leapt up and flew at the machine. Johnny: And Mills is going in on the offensive with a Liu Kang style bicycle kick.... KABOOM!!!!!!!!! Nick: WHAT THE HECK??? Johnny: The robo ref..... it just...... When the smoke cleared, mills was laying on the ground, barely conscious and severely burned. A portal in the Robo Ref's chest was closing, as both it's hands transformed into food processor blades. Johnny: The machine just blasted Mills with a missile of some sort! Nick: It AMAZINGLY didn't stop him, but the Robo Ref just may fix that problem..... The Robo ref dove at the staggering Mills, both blade arms forward. Mills barely dodged, as he collapsed....... Johnny: OH NO! Mills Lane has fallen! Nick: Nav is administering the ten count...... "One, two, three..." Nav counted, as the apparently triumphant Robo-ref Stood in the center of the ring, shaking its bladed fists in the air as a sign of victory. "seven, eight, nine, te....." Nav's count was halted. Johnny: AND MILLS LANE MAKES AN *AMAZING* COMEBACK! Nick: CAN YOU BELIVE IT, FOLKS??? At 9 and 2/3rds of a second, Mills just EXPLODES back into action! After leaping back to his feet, Mills lunged at the unwary robo ref, and knocked it to the floor. Johnny: WILL YOU lOOK AT THAT VICIOUS ATTACK??? MILLS IS KICKING THAT RUSTBUCKET'S (omitted)!!!!! Nick: It looks like a Mortal Kombat battle in that ring! Mills, after beating the robo-ref nearly senseless, lifted it up, smashed off it's head, and tore out it's inner wiring. Johnny: Well, there's your fatality for you, Nick. Nav walked up to mills, raised his hand in the air, and announced the result. "The winner." Johnny: YES! YES! AND MILLS LANE WINS THE MATCH!!! Nick: Phew! I tell ya, Johnny, for a minute there I thought we were gonna lose our referee! Johnny: Good thing we didn't, though! I personally think an automated replacement would have been a bad thing. Nick: But we still got one last fight! Johnny:(turns to screen) That's right, ladies and gentilemen, we still have our MAIN EVENT: A six Man AAA Jobber Rumble! Right after these messages! (cut to commercials) (commentators booth) Johnny: Welcome Back! After all the wait, the MAIN EVENT is ready to begin! A phenomenal six man brawl to the death... err... knockout, submission, or pin, in our own deathmatch arena! Nick: Yeah, but strangely though, the crowd seems to be disinterested. (cut to view of crowd. Few are cheering, and some are even napping!) Johnny: Oh well. I'm sure it's gonna be one great fight tonight, folks! And it looks like our combatants are ready! MAIN EVENT: 6 MAN JOBBER RUMBLE Combatants--------------------- Takei Orouchi Craig Vincent Myles Buchanan Captain Universe Kyrind Branford The Great Red Serpent Johnny and Nick skipped the introduction, as the six fighters entered the ring and met in the center. Nav walked to them, and began to explain the rules. "Allright now, I want a tough, clean fight! I..." Nav was cut off as Craig Vincent and Myles Buchanan, upon noticing his presence, made a mad dash out of the ring and thru the arena doors Johnny: What the??? Nick: Wussies. Nav was startled by their sudden act of cowardice, but he just decided to cut it short. "Ok, In the words of the most recent Deathmatch victor, LETS GET IT ON!!!" Johnny: And so it begins! Takei instantly started out with a storm of bullets, sprayed at all his opponents. Captain Universe blocked with his shield, But Kyrind and TGRS got knocked down. Nav quickly counted them out, leaving two in the ring. Johnny: WHAT??? Nick: Oh man, this fight is going too quickly! Takei charged up his fist to smash universe with a knuckle buster, but his shield blocked it, and the marvel avatar returned with a hard punch to Takei's jaw and a suplex for a two count. Johnny:(bored) Two count on Takei, but he just escapes.... Nick:(bored) Yes... what a.. *YAWN*... fight. Go, avatars, go. Takei lifted up Captain Universe, and slammed him into the ground. Another two count, but universe escaped. Captain Universe was about to retaliate, when a strange noise broke the now noticeable silence around them. Johnny:(asleep) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Nick:(asleep) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ The three still standing: Nav, Takei, and Captain Universe looked around. Around them, everyone was asleep. "Well, seems everyone's asleep," said Takei. "You guys wanna continiue this match?" Nav asked. "Nah," replied Captain Universe. "Everyone seems too bored." "Ditto," said Takei. And so, Nav called the match a tie between Takei and Captain universe. The three then walked out of the ring, and Captain Universe took over the camera, as Nav took over the commentator booth. Nav: Well, seems that this fight just plain sucked. But don't worry! Join us next time, for a return to the bone crushing action you all know and have loved for the past 37 years! I'm Nav the Destroyer, saying Good Fight, Good Night, or something like that. (close to credits) ______________________________________ LEGAL CRAPOLA: CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH is owned by MTV, I think. DUNGEONS & DRAGONS is owned by TSR. Wasn't TSR bought by WIZARDS OF THE COAST? That's what I heard, but I could be wrong. The AAA was created by Tim McLees and Alicia Ashby. All avatars are property of their respective creators. Anything else I missed belong's to it's creator. Blah, Blah, Blah, please don't sue.