Scene One: The Interview
(RAW opening)
(Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot are sitting behind a desk. 
Well, Tom is resting on the chair. Anyhow...)

Mike: Hey! Cambot, why did you run the RAW opening instead of the one 
	we were planning on? (Puts his hand to a suddenly revealed earpiece.) 
	Oh. Well, yeah, when you put it that way, it'd be pretty silly to 
	do our opener. But I liked it so much!
Tom: Yeah! I worked for hours on it!
Crow: I miss the shot of the Earth fading out to be replaced by our 
	picture.
Mike: Sorry guys, the PTB decided it didn't quite fit with the theme 
	of the tournament. So, on with the show.
Tom: We're here today to take a closer look at one of the newest, nastiest, 
	most powerful characters in the tournament today... Dark Sonic.
Crow: We were planning a 40-part investigative series, but Cambot 
	threatened to go on strike if we tried to make him work that kind 
	of overtime.

(The words SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CAMERA OPERATORS UNION appear on the bottom of
the screen.)

Mike: Since we have a kinda tight time limit, we cut it down to an interview
 	with one of Dark Sonic's ordinary citizens. Stay with us to find out 
	just what kind of sick, depraved, evil society he's created in Sonotropolis. 
	Our guest's voice and image have been altered to protect his identity.

(A screen comes on behind Mike, with an animated picture of Darth Vader on it.)
Darth Vader: You people are very strange. I told you this isn't necessary.
Crow: Yeah, but this way we're going to get to make more Star Wars jokes at 
	your expense. Must be the Dark Side, hunh?
DV: (deadpan, presumably) Hilarious.
Tom: Well, Crow seems to have gotten the interview started, so I think it's 
	time to get down to the nitty-gritty. Why'd you want a pic of Darth 
	Vader?
DV: I didn't! You cretins did! I was planning on just being on as myself!
Mike: If it bothers you that much... (presses buttons on the desk)

(DV blinks out and is replaced by a middle-aged male raccoon with the beginnings 
of a paunch)
Crow: Mike, I thought you were going to get rid of the stupid, joke image.
Mike: I did. That's Sonic's citizen. A Mobian, remember?
Crow: Ooops.
Raccoon: Mike, could you do severe damage to that gold robot for me?
Mike: Sorry, he's got a contract.
Tom: (quietly) Damn.
Crow: What was that? Are you implying you WANT me to get clobbered?
Tom: No, I was just mourning the loss of an opportunity for another 
	special grudge match.
Crow: All right, it's on, gumball-boy! You versus me!
Mike: Hang on, Crow. We can't just stop in the middle of *this* show to 
	let you guys fight. Put it in backup memory and pick it up again 
	when the show's over. You too, Tom.
Bots: (Flight of the Navigator voices) Compliance.
Mike: (Begins to rebuke them for bringing that particular movie up, then 
	realizes they wouldn't remember what he was talking about.) Okay, 
	now, where were we?
Crow: You just shut off the Darth Vader pic. Something wrong with your 
	memory?
Mike: Ummm, no. Let's just get on with the interview.
Tom: Sounds good. Mister, what's your name?
Raccoon: I thought you three were the MiSTers.
Tom: Oh, hush. I just thought it would be easier than calling you raccoon-
	boy the whole time. Kintobor would probably come in and decide it 
	was a racial slur.
Mike: Why Kintobor?
Tom: Don't you remember? He thinks almost everything is racial.
Raccon: (clears throat) You can call me Kayyem Peeyaitch.
Tom: kMPH?
Raccoon: Yes, that's right.
Crow: How'd your parents come up with that name?
kMPH: I understand it has something to do with an old custom. I don't 
	understand most of it, but the most famous example is some guy named 
	Miles Prower.
Tom: Tails?
Crow: (starts with the fanbot chant, but decides this isn't the right 
	forum) Yeah, Miles per hour. Sometimes I think that those people 
	over at Sega aren't working too hard on coming up with
	intelligent names.
Mike: Why, Crow, I'm proud of you. You made a relatively intelligent 
	response instead of going for a cheap laugh at Tom's expense.
Crow: Tom and I called a truce for the tourney. We're not going to fight 
	AT ALL while we're here.

(Dah dah dahhhh! music sounds, signifying ironic foreshadowing)
Mike: (blinks rapidly several times, then goes on) I see. Well, umm, it's 
	time for a commercial. Stay tuned for an inside look at the workings 
	of Dark Sonic's evil society.
kMPH: What?

(Mentos commercial, Whoop-A$$ commercial, the Thinkers try to sell something, 
but no one can understand what. Crow buys it. Several weeks later, THE 
COMPLETE WORKS THINKER arrives on the SoL. Mike uses it for paper-mache.)

Mike: Aaand we're back at you with a LIVE interview with kMPH, a citizen 
of Dark Sonic's headquarters, Sonotropolis. 
kMPH: Glad to be here, Mike.
Mike: kMPH, exactly what is life like in Sonotropolis?
kMPH: Oh, I imagine it's the same as anywhere else. You know. Work, play, 
	eat, sleep, whatever. I personally am a systems operator at Central 
	Accounting.
Crow: So, you take care of tallying the corpses?
kMPH: Excuse me?
Tom: You know, the dead bodies produced under Dark Sonic's regime.
kMPH: That's sick. The only ones who would do something like that would 
	be the obituaries people at SonicNews.
Tom: Oh? So the dead go uncounted?
kMPH: Why would we need to count the dead? On a bad day there might be 
	a dozen old geezers who finally die and maybe three murders on a 
	REALLY bad day, but it's not like there's an epidemic or anything.
Mike: So Dark Sonic's rule of terror has the populace cowed?
kMPH: What are you talking about? Cowed?
Crow: Well, Dark Sonic IS evil.
kMPH: Look, I'll admit his personal habits aren't what I'd want my daughter 
	bringing home, but he's a perfectly good leader.
Tom: DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN HIS PALACE?
kMPH: Ummm... he rules the Empire?
Mike: Well, yes, but I think Tom was referring to Dark Sonic's uhhh... 
	libido.
kMPH: Oh, that. Hey, he's got the hardest job in the world. Give him a 
	break! He deserves a little slack!
Crow: Not much 'slack' in what he does.
Mike: Crow! Bad!
Tom: You don't care that he rapes and tortures people in his dungeons?
kMPH: Look, can we move off of the character issue? None of this affects 
	how people in the Empire live.
Tom: (hums the Star Wars theme song)
Mike: (to Tom) Cut that out. Different show. (To kMPH) You don't think 
	that it affects how his victims live?
kMPH: Well, obviously, but by and large, it doesn't affect the populace.
Crow: Are you telling me that Dark Sonic is actually a responsible, benevolent 
	leader?
kMPH: Well, no, we all know he's firmly on the side of evil. The thing is, 
	as long as you don't personally offend him, society works.
Tom: Oh? So what about, for example, medical care? Just shoot the sick as 
	a drag on society?
kMPH: That's horrible! Of course not! Anyone with an injury or illness can 
	go to a hospital and get fixed right up. I admit, it's a little scary 
	walking into something that looks just like the Roboticizer, but it 
	WAS originally designed as a medical tool. It's been restored to its 
	proper use now.
Crow: Ah ha! What about the ever-present SWATbots? Isn't the heavy hand of 
	'Big Brother' everywhere?
kMPH: Why would Sonic do that? He has enough self-confidence that he 
	doesn't need to oppress everyone, and there isn't any need for 
	constant, omnipotent surveillance. There are plenty of SWATbots, but 
	those are just like police anywhere, I presume. They don't keep tabs 
	on anyone unless someone seems to need it. I mean, there are bad parts 
	of town, and there's still crime, but in most places, people are safe 
	to go about their business.
Mike: What about the rule of law?
kMPH: What about it?
Mike: Wouldn't you rather live under a government where you have a voice 
	in it? Where you can oppose a law and win? Where you could choose 
	your own leader?
kMPH: Why would we need to choose a new leader? Sonic is doing just fine. 
	As for contesting the law, we can send up a petition. It'll be duly 
	considered, and if Sonic thinks it's right, he'll strike down the law.
Mike: Sonic would strike down a law he passed in the first place?
kMPH: Sure, if it presents a major problem or conflicts with another one.
Tom: What if he passes a law that's not fair to you?
kMPH: Well, tough luck. It's for the good of society.
Crow: And if he sent SWATbots to your home to bring you in to be used as 
	his latest victim?
kMPH: There wouldn't be anything to do about it, would there?
Mike: Yes, but doesn't that bother you?
kMPH: Look, the chance that he'll pick me at random for a new torture 
	victim, which he rarely needs, anyways, are slim to none. If someone 
	else was running things, like Robotnik or Snively, everyone would 
	be screwed over. Official victims are extremely rare.
Mike (checks watch) I'm afraid we're going to have to wrap things up here, 
	as we only have a few minutes left. There's time for one last 
	question. So, here goes: kMPH, are you saying that Dark Sonic
	is a genuinely GOOD leader, in charge of a fully functional society, 
	and you approve of him?
kMPH: Absolutely. Look, there was a philosopher who figured it out. An 
	evil leader can't destroy society entirely, or else he doesn't have 
	any power. Therefore, Sonic is doing the logical thing and consolidating 
	his established area while expanding on the edges. If he didn't, he'd 
	have to waste his time putting down protests and revolts.
Mike: So there you have it. Dark Sonic, demon-possessed, torture-obsessed 
	rapist, is responsible for a functional, safe, and productive 
	civilization. A very strange turnaround from what you  might
	expect. I'm Michael Nelson, with Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. 
	Goodnight.
(END OF SCENE ONE)

Scene Two: An Improbable Introduction

     As the lights dimmed and Cambot turned away, Crow and Tom activated 
their backup memory, in accordance with Mike's previous order (which they 
didn't remember, but which had been stored in what amounted to their 
subconscious). "Hey! The show's over! I remember! Okay, Tom, it's on!" yelled Crow. 
     Tom twitched as his backup memory finished loading, then replied, 
"You versus me, gold-boy!" 
     Mike quickly stepped in to keep his two friends from attacking each 
other then and there.
	"Cool your jets, boys. We're at the AAA tournament. There's places to 
go for a fight. I'll set it up."
	Mike walked over to the set phone and gave a call to the scheduling 
department. "Hi! Mike Nelson here! Yes, that Mike Nelson. Yes, with Tom 
and Crow. No, you can't have Tom's autograph. He can't write. His hands 
don't work, remember? Look, I just want to set up a special grudge match. 
No, no, no, not me versus Forrester. I haven't even seen him here. The 
thing is, Tom and Crow want to fight. Yes, Tom and Crow. Is there any 
chance we can get ahold of a time slot? Say, the day before the next major 
match? There is? Wow! The only match that day? So we'll have a lock on the
audience? That's wonderful! Sure! Thanks a lot! Let me go tell them the 
good news. And thanks again!"
     Crow stopped the insult competition he and Tom had begun while Mike 
talked to say, "So it's set, Mike?" 
     Mike, out of pure habit born of long years on the SoL, said, "No, 
wrong number." Crow, irked by Mike's flippant response and already pumped 
up by his 'conversation' with Tom, opened his mouth to let out a scathing 
tirade, when all of a sudden a greenish light faded into view and was
replaced by a man who looked about twenty and was wearing a dull black 
costume with the letters NRH, also in black, but slightly reflective. He 
looked around for a moment and sighed. 
     "Not again..." he thought, despite not being a potted plant at several 
miles up. Mike, Tom, and Crow gaped. They were somewhat accustomed to odd 
events, but that was up on the Satellite. While they had been at the 
tournament, strange things had only happened to other people. They'd
hoped that they might get away with just being passive participants. 
Obviously, they had been wrong.
     "Err... Mike?" said the costumed figure.
     "Yes. How did you know?" said Mike as his snappy retort, trying to 
get his mouth and brain reconnected.
     "I've been bouncing around universes for a while. You're kind of 
well-known. You know, great hero of the Satellite of Love, first of 
its kind."
     "WHAT!?!" screamed the 'bots, outraged that Mike should be famous 
and not them.
     "Well, you guys are harder to pin down. There are a couple of 
universes where you exist, but only one with the true Mike Nelson."
     Mike, taking advantage of this brief exchange to collect himself, 
came up with an intelligent question: "Excuse me, who are you and why 
are you here?"
     The young man in black considered this, then answered, "My name is 
NotReallyHere. I'm an Author Avatar. My creator had this wonderful idea 
that I should make my first official appearance at the AAA. He's ret-
conning me into existence, along with my equipment."
     Tom, shocked, said, "Wait a minute! How do you know you're an Author 
Avatar? Most of 'em at least have the illusion that they have free will. 
Also, how do you know you're being ret-conned? Shouldn't you just believe 
that the past your author gave you is accurate?"
     NotReallyHere sighed again, then told Tom, "I know because I am my 
Author. He created a story, presently unposted, wherein he put himself in 
as the character. That's me. I am the Author, just inside the story. We 
have sort of a psychic bond. Anything he wants me to know, I know. Funny
how that works, isn't it?"
     Mike jumped back into the questioning. "If you're an Author Avatar, 
why do you seem so depressed? Usually, avatars have an ego the size of 
Jupiter and powers up the wazoo. You haven't even bragged once yet!"
     NRH continued to sigh. "Yeah, I'm an Author Avatar. My creator decided 
that there were enough characters out there with all sorts of powers, so 
he specifically created me to have only one. My power is the phase shift. 
I can slip just a little bit out of sync with the universe at any time. 
For most people, that would be useless, since light, sound, and little 
things like air wouldn't also be phased, which would result in them being 
blind, deaf, and dead. I don't need to worry about that, because my power 
is specifically tailored to eliminate those problems."
     Crow joined the impromptu interrogation, asking, "If that's your 
only power, what are you doing here? Won't you just get clobbered?"
     The Author Avatar shook his head. "Nope. The phase shift automatically 
kicks in if I'm about to be badly injured or lose my power. It makes me 
functionally invulnerable, but it also means I can't protect others very 
well. In a fight, I'm handy to have, since I can just walk through the 
enemy, come back, and shoot him in the back, or whatever. Most of the 
fighters here, though, are too powerful for me to make almost any sort of 
effective attack. Instead, I'm more a spy. I can phase shift and be
completely undetectable, walk right into an opponent's HQ, and find out 
anything I want, or steal their Power Object, or shut down their security 
system, or any of the 007 type stuff."
     Mike and Tom both started to speak at once, looked at each other, 
and stopped. Mike nodded to Tom, and the little red robot spoke. 
"NotReallyHere, why not just grab someone, pull them out of phase, and 
leave them?"
     He replied, "I can't bring people out of phase with me. I can bring 
most inanimate objects with me, but not people. Inanimate objects are 
usually enough, though. Once I stole the Infinite Improbability Generator 
out of the *Heart of Gold*.  In an infinitely improbable coincidence,
another one appeared in the original's place. I still have it, but I can 
turn it on and off now. I've changed the name, too. I now call it the 
Plot Device."
     Crow, Mike, and Tom groaned, as the awful joke hit their ears/sonic 
receptors. They weren't expecting one like that while they were off the SoL! 
After about another half hour of questioning, where they established that 
NRH was there to help keep people (such as one group called the
M.W.O.) from warping into the tournament without permission from the Powers 
That Be (who could have handled it by themselves, but seemingly subcontracted 
to save time) and also was there to keep tabs on any competitors who started 
getting rowdy outside the ring, such as Dark Sonic. As a last resort, he 
was there to activate the Plot Device and let something infinitely improbable
happen. When the timer on the studio lights went out, everyone agreed to 
depart. NRH phased out, to go wherever he was planning to use as his 
apartment, and the SoL crew went off to prepare for Tom and Crow's fight.

(END OF SCENE TWO)

Scene three: Metal Kombat

     The time came for the epic battle: Tom "The Hovering Horror" Servo v. 
Crow T. "Golden Gargantuan" Robot. The huge arena was nearly empty. Not 
many people had chosen to visit the arena that day, since none of the big 
marquee fighters were going to be there, but the die-hard MiSTers would not 
possibly miss out on this, the final, knock-down, drag-out, fight between 
their two favorite robots. Others were there because they wanted the 
"I Saw Tom and Crow Fight and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirt.
     The lights dimmed and gold spotlights began flashing. Crow began 
jubilantly striding down the ramp, with a big cheesy cape attached to his 
shoulders as the music "Dare to be Stupid" by Weird Al Yankovic played. 
The audience (there weren't enough of them to call it a crowd) clapped
politely. The lighting then changed to a dark red as Tom Servo slowly 
proceeded down his ramp.
	The stirring sounds of the 1812 Overture brought the watchers to 
their feet. "What the hell kind of intro music is that!" they chanted, 
showing their eternal love for all things MiSTie.
     The announcer's voice rumbled over the speakers (Mike was serving 
as the announcer, since the normal one had just laughed when Mike brought 
it up), introducing the 'bots, adding that they were both managed by Mike 
"Full" Nelson. The audience groaned, and a few got up to leave. They
could come up with their own bad puns, thank you very much! Mike quickly 
came down and helped the 'bots into the ring. Both began grandstanding, 
each trying to get the audience on their side. Neither was terribly 
successful. Finally, Mike rang the bell, and the fight was on!
     Crow took a look at Servo and decided to try to start things out with 
a good old-fashioned grapple. Servo did the same. They both charged at 
each other, then stopped right in front of each other. Crow raised his 
arms and put them on Tom's dome. Tom backed away. Crow charged Tom.
Tom charged him back. They bounced off one another, unharmed. Mike 
looked on and quietly began to walk out of the arena. This was going to 
take a while...
     Four hours later, the audience was completely gone, except for 
twelve people who had fallen asleep. Mike walked back in, ready to help 
the winner out of the ring and reassemble the loser.
	Much to his surprise, Tom and Crow were still just running at each 
other. Due to their lack of useful appendages (Crow had some, but they 
were rather weak and ineffectual), neither had been able to hurt the 
other. Mike was rather surprised that the fight had gone on this long 
without the robo-ref stopping it, then noticed that he had neglected 
to turn the robo-ref on. Mike walked over, with the robots bouncing 
off each other in the ring, and flipped the "ON" switch of the robo-ref. 
It activated, raised itself up, and entered the ring.
     While he waited for the robo-ref to call the match a draw, Mike 
began to wonder about something. He was the only one here who was taking 
care of the technical issues. How had Tom and Crow gotten their lighting? 
He resolved to ask them when the match was over. Mike looked into the
ring. Tom and Crow were still going at it. Mike left to get a snack.
     Inside the ring, the robo-ref was becoming very bored. "What do they 
think I am, some little convenience they can turn on and off whenever 
they feel like it? Something they can just replace if it gets worn out, 
like Robby after he got cut in half in the first tournament?" and on and 
on in this general vein. After about two minutes of watching the miniature 
mechanoids bounce off each other, the robo-ref fell asleep.
     While the robo-ref was asleep and Mike was away, a dark blue mist 
began to form right outside the ring. Slowly, it took on the form of 
Dark Sonic, chuckling evilly. Sonic examined the 'bots as they fought 
and decided that leaving their melted parts strewn over the arena would 
serve to strike fear into the hearts of the other fighters. He began 
charging up his anti-matter blast to annihilate them when, suddenly, 
NotReallyHere phased in behind Dark Sonic. NRH reached into a sack he 
was carrying and pulled out a strange-looking box, with some sort of 
amplifier on it. He carefully aimed it at Dark Sonic, then pushed the 
button on its top.
     A greenish, poorly-animated ray shot out and struck Dark Sonic. His 
face changed and became round, with very pink cheeks and a high-pitched 
voice. He sang out, "I love to sing-a/ About the moon-a and the rain-a 
and the spring-a..."
     NRH smiled to himself, then thought, "Turns out that trip to South 
Park really did pay off. That alien device should hold Sonic long enough 
for me to get him out of here."
     Shortly after NRH escorted the singing, mindless hedgehog out of 
the arena, Mike entered by another route. He finished off his soda, 
then went up and kicked the robo-ref. It woke up, vibrated for a moment, 
then declared the match a draw. Mike stepped into the ring and caught the 
'bots just as they were about to ram into each other again. "Sorry, boys, 
match is declared a draw."
     "Awwww...." they both whined.
     "Just as I was about to pin him!" complained Crow, leading to fierce 
denials by Tom. Mike picked them both up and carried them out of the 
arena, back to their apartment to get ready to watch the next day's match.