Tonic Hedgehog
New TPCG member
Posts: 9
(2/23/02 11:29:26 pm)
Reply   MKT3K, ep 405: "Celebrity Price is Right"
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 Yes, Mystery Knothole Theater 3000* is still running. into it's 4th season with Tonic, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.

to understand what happened in the other seasons, go here: www.geocities.com/bbrown9...sodes.html 

and without further ado-doo, here's Mystery Knothole Theater 3000, episode 405:
--
Tonic: Turn down your lights.... but not too dark,
otherwise, you can't read this.

On a not-too-distant planet,
Mobius of South Island,
There was a guy named Tonic,
Inventor extraroidinaire.

He made a spaceship to avoid Eggman,
Checking all the nooks & crannies,
As everybody was oohing & ahing at the ship,
Antoine Pressed the Launch button to shoot them into
space!

"We'll send them Cheesy fanfics
The worst we can find. (lalala)
He'll have to sit & watch them all
& we'll monitor his mind! (lalala)"

Now keep in mind Tonic can't control,
which fanfic he'll send him next. (lalala)
He'll try to keep his sanity,
with the help of his really stupid friends!

SIDEKICK ROLE CALL
CAMBOT! (You're On!)
GYPSY! ('m not ready!)
TOM SERVO! (h'lo there!)
CROOOOOW! (That's one 'O'!)

If you're wondering how he eats & sleeps,
& other pointless facts, (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really really just relax.

For Mystery Knothole Theater 3000!" (twang)

(usual door sequence)


Tonic: Ah, Valentine's Day. I hate it.
Servo: Well, anyways... Tonic... Everyone hates Valentine's Day. except lovers,
but that's not the point.
(Commercial sign)
Tonic: And we'll be back... (taps yellow button)

(MKT3K Spaghetti Ball, Commercials)

(SoK. Silence between Servo and Tonic)
Servo: So...
(Mads sign)
Tonic: Oh boy, the idiot and dumbarse are calling us.
(taps red button)

(D13. Frank and Dr. F are mimicking that old 1998 "As seen on" Commercial)
Dr. F: I'll give you a Phyllis Diller Burp for your 1967 Bob Eubanks.
Frank: I'll give you the 1977 Bob Eubanks for the Phyllis Diller Burp.
Dr. F: Ok, how about a 2002 Bob Eubanks?
Frank: There's no such thing as a 2002 Eubanks...
(Dr. F Wheels in Bob Eubanks strapped to an office chair)
Dr. F: Yes, there is.
Frank: Wow, just what I always wanted, my own Bob Eubanks... (hugs Bob hard, Bob mumbles)
Dr. F: Oh, Hi Tonic. We're giving you "Celebrity Price is Right" by "NBAZONE2." Frank?
Frank: You do it! I'm staying with Eubanks!
Dr. F: Oh, fine... (sends fic down the chute)

(SoK)
(FANFIC SIGN)
Tonic: STUPID GAME SHOW FANFIC SIGN!!! (Taps Green button)

(X...6...5...4...3...2...1)

(Tonic and Servo sit down, but forgot Crow)
Servo: Hey, where's Crow?
Tonic: I'll get him. (goes out of the Theater and goes
to the Bot's room)

(Bot's room. Crow is sleeping)

Tonic: CROW, WAKE UP!
Crow: (Wakes up) Huh, what? Is it Christmas?
Tonic: Crow, we're doing an experiment.
Crow: I don't wanna do it...
Tonic: We have to, otherwise, we're forced to bow down
to Dr. Forrester.
Crow: DEAR GOD, NO! (Bolts to Theater, Tonic follows)

(Theater. Crow and Tonic hurriedly sit down)

Tonic: Cambot, quickly!
(film projector sounds are heard)

>The 1st EVER Celebrity Price is Right Episode. (PG-13 Crude Humor, no cussing)
Servo: Oh boy, I smell crap already...

>HERE IT COMES...you know the remainder of the beginning...
Servo: (Rod Roddy) Here it comes, it's America's
favorite Daytime Game Show, it's the fabulous
60-minute Price is Right!

>RALPH WIGGUM C?mon down!
Tonic: Who immediately falls down and yells "owie."
And CBS security helps him up.

>ERIC CARTMAN C?mon down!
Crow: (Cartman) Screw you guys, I'm going up on
stage!
Servo: (Rod Roddy) ERIC CARTMAN, YOU'RE GOING TOO FAR!

>AUNT ESTER ANDERSON C?mon down!
All: Who?

>and REGIS PHILMAN C?mon down!
Tonic: (Regis Philbin) That's PHILBIN. REGIS PHILBIN!

>You are the 1st four contestants on this special
CELEBRITY Price is Right...
(Bots do TPiR Theme)
Tonic: (Rod Roddy) And now, here's your host, the star
of The Price is Right, BOB BARKER!

>and you know how it goes.
Tonic: Yep.

>1st Item up for Bids...A Computer with a CD-RW and DVD player, Printer and
>Monitor included.
Tonic: How about we try to play along?
Servo: Meh, makes us do something. I bid $599.
Crow: $600!
Tonic: $601!
Bots: DAMN YOU!

>Ralph $5,000,000
Servo: I think he forgot that this is a HOME computer, not one of those 
Supercomputers from the 1960s...

>Eric $1234
>Ester $657
>Regis $1999
>Actual retail price, $1999, but Bob accuses Regis of
>using a price card, so he disqualifies him and awards
>the Computer to Cartman.
Servo: (Mr. Rogers) Can we say "Rigged"?
Crow and Tonic: "Rigged".
Servo: (Mr. Rogers) I knew you could.

>Cartman will play Secret X for a trip to Colorado Springs
>.....the town right next to Cartman?s hometown.
Crow: So, this trip is pretty much pointless if he
wins or loses it, right?

>Worth $3459. Cartman gets pissed and instead of
>kicking Bob in the ?groin?, he goes over to Regis and
>kicks him in the ?groin?, for using a price card. 
Servo: Again, HOW DO WE KNOW IF HE USES SOMETHING LIKE
THAT?! (head starts smoking)

>Anyways, Cartman wins the game when he threatens to
>show his pubes to everyone , and Bob reason with
>him...in order NOT to see his it, Cartman gets a date
>with Nikki. 
Tonic: I smell "Lawsuit..."

>Her husband Ian isn?t to pleased, so he rushes the
>stage...only to get kicked in the ?groin? by Cartman
>as well.
Crow: Now, how did Ian know that Cartman would get a
date with Nikki?
Tonic: (Jerry Springer) Hi everyone and welcome to
Jerry Springer. Tonight's subject: Cheating on
Television.

>Gerald, the baby with 1 Eyebrow , is called down
>next.
Servo: Waaaaaait a minute... doesn't this Game Show
have an age limit?

>2nd item for bids, a X-box along with 5 games, a
controller and 2 memory cards.
Tonic: $700!
Servo: $701!
Crow: $699!
Servo: Crow, you dummy, you're supposed to go one
dollar *MORE* than me, not one dollar *LESS* than
Tonic!
Crow: I think you're both over, that's why I underbid.

>Gerald (Using the Baby voice translator that Herb
>Powell made) $89
>Ester $445
>Regis $700
>Ralph I have 2 ouwies.
Tonic: So, that would be registered as $2, or...?

>Actual retail price, $640, Ester wins
Servo: Damn, we all went over!

>Ester is going to play Clock Game for: a Roulette Table and a 27 Quart Freezer.
>Ester is very religious, and doesn't agree with the Roulette Table as a prize,
>so she brings out the bible and reads it, while the clock is ticking when she
>says Chapter 127 of the Book of Psalms. She loses.
Tonic: (Ester) (acts like she's reading the Book of
Psalms)
Servo: (Bob Barker) Ester, MAKE A BID! THE CLOCK IS
TICKING!
Crow: BUZZ. BUM BUM BUM BUM, WAAAAAAAAAAAAH...

>Cactus Jack is called down next.
Servo: Who?

>3rd item up for bids, Art Set
Tonic: $699!
Servo: $700!
Crow: $1!

>Jack $800
>Regis $772
>Ralph My cat?s breath smells like cat food
Servo: THAT'S a bid?!

>Gerald $801
>ARP, $799, Regis thinks he wins, BUT, Bob says that just for this particular
>round of Bids, its whoever is closest, so Jack wins.
Tonic: I smell "Rigged."
Servo: Who's producing this, Dan Enright?

>Jack will play One Away for a Ford Focus Wagon with Option Package #3
>Starting Price: $28481
>Jack?s 1st Guess: $17590
>He only gets 4 horns, 
Servo: Hey, where's the "Ladies, do I have 1 number
right" spiel?

>but Jack is quick to pull out his Price Guide, and shows
>bob that the Ford Focus Wagon with Option Package #3 does indeed cost $17,590.
>SO Bob declares him a winner. Regis gets pissed, storms the stage in protest,
>saying that One Away should be a loss for Jack using a price guide.
Tonic: AMEN, BROTHER HERBERT!

>Jack gets steamed and puts the Mandible Claw on Regis, while Bob stands there, Smiles and
>says ?Jack Wins, and THAT?S MY FINAL ANSWER.?
Crow: I think the author of this fic has a grudge on Regis Philbin.

>Showcase Showdown.
>Ester spins 1st, gets .65 cents, she claims that the #65 is evil, and takes out
>her Bible again. Cartman gets mad because she is reading the entire book of
>Revelations, and calls here a heap-o-juck (something suggested by Fred Sanford,
>who is also in the Audience).
Servo: Wait a minute, I thought Redd Foxx was dead...

>Ester responds by calling him a Easter egg looking fish eyed fool.
Tonic: (claps, sarcastically) Oh, good comeback.

>Cartman and Ester get into a scrap, that is ended when Cactus Jack KOs both of them with a Hockey Stick.
Servo: (Referee) And the winner, and still champion, CACTUS JACK!
Tonic: And the crowd goes wild.
All: Yay.

>Bob then says that Jack automatically qualifies for the showcase, but gets 1 spin to see if he can get
>a dollar. He gets it, wins $1,000 and gets the bonus spin.
Servo: Y'know, This text version of The Price is Right isn't as good as the real thing...

>As Jack gets ready for his Bonus Spin, The Godfather comes on stage and tells Jack ?I have an
>offer you can?t refuse. For $1000, you car, and the Bonus Spin and the Trip
>to the Showcase, I will give you the ex Barkers Beauties....ALL of Them?.
>Godfather brings them on stage, but Perason decides to cover ALL of their faces
>with the Pearson logo. 
Servo: You can take the rest, BUT HOLLY HALLSTROM IS
MINE!
Crow: No, I want Holly!
Servo: You can take Anitra Ford!
Crow: I don't want that... (silence) ...I WANT HOLLY!
Tonic: Doesn't Earth know how to clone humans yet?
Servo: Nope. does Mobius know how to?
Tonic: Nope. But we got close before Robotnik destroyed our town...

>Jack agrees. So Godfather replaces Jack, and lands on
>.50, but still he goes to the Showcase
>Al Bundy is called down next.
Servo: I think FOX must've made this special "Price is Right"...

(Tonic and bots walk out of theater)

(1...2...3...4....5...6...X)

Tonic: Oh boy, Mr. Eubanks is now been kidnapped by Dr. F.
Servo: And we care HOW? We hate The Newlywed Game, remember?
Tonic: Remember, he hosted Card Sharks back in the 80s.
Servo: THAT WAS HIM?!
Tonic: Yep.
Servo: Now we MUST get him back!
(FANFIC SIGN)
Servo: D'oh, it's Fanfic sign...

(X...6...5...4...3...2...1)

(Theater. Tonic and bots take their seats)

>4th Item up for Bids, a DVD /VCR/TV/Toaster/George Forman Grill/ Combo set.
Tonic: Ooh! $1000!
Servo: $550!
Crow: $1!

>While Rod is describing the Prizes, Al takes off his shoes, causing everyone in
>contestants row to pass out, making him the winner by default (APR, $1201)
Tonic: (in a stuffy voice) ...Except us. we wore clothespins.

>Al will play Squeeze Play for a Spa
>Order 57985
Tonic: Take out the 9!
Servo: The 8, you fool, the 8!
Crow: Take out the 5s!
Tonic: Crow, the first and last digits are in the price of the Spa.
Crow: Oh yeah.

>While Squeeze Play is being turned on the Turntable, the stench of Al?s Feet
>is so bad that it causes everyone in the Studio, except Al to pass out. So Al
>pushes the Price Revel, sees the price, put his shoes on. As everyone revives,
>he tells Bob to remove the 8. Bob does, and the APR is..$5795....AL WINS!
Servo: See, I TOLD YOU!
Tonic: It's still Rigged, though...

>Brittany Spears is called down, but is immeadily taken away by the Godfather,
>claiming that he was one of his Original Ladies, and says that she is up for
>sale.
Servo: Heeeeeey, Britney's not a Barker's Beauty!
Tonic: She's too young to be a "Combs' Cutie" as well!
Servo: "Combs' Cutie"?
Tonic: Don't ask.

>Phil Wayne likes the Idea, buys her for a undetermined amount of money,
>and tells Rod that she is the next item up for bids. To replace Miss Spears in
>Contestant?s Row, Rod calls down George Jefferson. 
Tonic: Who, like the rest of us, know it's rigged.
Servo: I bet $1 on Britney.
Crow: Can we bid in cents for this one?
Tonic: Wouldn't hurt.
Crow: 1 cent!
Tonic: 2 cents!
Servo: Well, I still bet $1.

>George: $1720 
>Regis: $2532
>Gerald: $102
>Ralph: She has boobies just like my daddy. Bob ask, what about your mom? Chef
>Wiggum stands up,
Crow: CHEF Wiggum?!

>and says that Mrs. Wiggum don?t have any. Ralph responds with ?My mommy has no boobies?. 
>Phil Wayne accepts the bid of Zero.
Tonic: Smart move.

>APR: 2 Cents....RALPH WINS!
Crow: CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG!
Tonic: ON THE NOSE! Where's my $500 bonus, Bob?

>Ralph will play Plinko for a chance to win $50,000. As you may have figured out
>by now, Ralph is dumb as a brick and doesn?t even win a chip. So he only has
>one chip, which he ate. 
Servo: (Ralph Wiggum) Miss Hoover, I got an achy in my tummy.

>Bob Barker yells ?You moron, you were suppose to send
>it down here?. Ralph recognizes what he did, then decided to ?discharge the
>chip?....I?ll let you use you own imagination here. Anyways, it lands in
>the $10,000 spot.
Tonic: Well, at least he has money for his family...

>Sean Connery is the last contestant called down. He start?s a conversation
>with Bob:
Crow: I smell "Alex Trebek's mom" jokes...

>Sean: You know the difference between Regis and Alex Trebek?
>Bob: No?
>Sean: I don?t know either, both their mothers are worthless whores.
Servo: ...And there goes the "G" rating for this show...

>Bob and Sean both laugh, which makes Alex and Regis very upset. Alex storms
>contestant's row and starts beating up Sean Connery. Regis aids Alex. Bob goes
>backstage and gets his pet Grizzly Bear, Meat,
Crow: SINCE WHEN DID HE HAVE A GRIZZLY BEAR?!

>and orders him to attack them or he will ground him up into Hamburger Patties. 
>Meat obeys and needlessly to say,
>he eats both Regis and Alex. Bob explains that he has a grizzly bear for a pet
>because he needs protection when he goes to Animal Rights marches, and the
>Grizzly bear helps fends off detractors. He also says that the reason he
>threatens to ground up Meat is because McDonalds has offered him upwards of
>$7.5 million dollars if he gives them ANY animal for their hamburgers.
Servo: This is getting further and further downhill...
Tonic: And I'm not eating at McDonald's anymore.

>Anyways, to replace Regis, Rod calls Moe Sizlack (good word, there are a lot of Simpson
>characters on here today)
Tonic: Maybe the author's a big Simpsons fan...

>Item up for Bids is a Garden Shed.
Servo: $230!
Tonic: $100!
Crow: $1!

>Shawn: $1819
>George: $1673
>Moe: $1895
>Gerald: falls asleep because he?s tired.
>APR: $2173..Moe Wins!
Servo: Yay.

>George gets upset, calling the show rigged andthreatens to sue, but Bob takes
>his tranquilizer gun for Meat, and uses on George.
Tonic: Damn it, they don't care if it's rigged or not...

>Moe will play Switcheroo for a Chevy Blazer with option package EX3, along with
>a battery charger, a mop, a slow cooker, and a foot bath. Moe gets upset, pulls
>out his shotgun, puts it to Bob?s head and says ?I came here to win a car
>and 3 cars is what I will get?. With this threat, the producers were able to
>get 2 cars from the dealership in Beverly Hills, so now we will play Triple
>Play for 3 cars.
Crow: Tonic, can I go kill myself now?
Tonic: Crow, we can suffice this. I'VE LIVED THROUGH 3 SONIC_FAN FICS AND I'M STILL HERE!

>Moe still has the shotgun to Bob?s head and says...?Make me a winner or you die now?...
>so Moe wins Triple Play. The other 2 Cars were a Madza ZX2 and a Toyota 4 Runner.
Tonic: ...Which the Chevy Blazer would be the only one he'd use.

>Showcase Showdown #2
>Al spins 1st, gets .80 cents. He Stays. Ralph spins second, but he actually
>goes under the wheel into the Young and Restless set, and he lands on .75.
Tonic: (Some Y&R Character) I have a secret...
Servo: (Ralph Wiggum) I have 3 owies.

>Bob spins for him again, and lands on .35..OVER! Moe strikes up a conversation
>about Bob?s wife. Moe says that if that was him that dies, he would be all
>over her so fast
Crow: Wait... isn't Dorothy Jo already dead?

>...Bob gets pissed and actually KO?s Moe. 
Servo: Then Adam Sandler punches Bob and a fist-fight
ensues.

>He would have Meat eat him, but Moe is so smelly, that Meat passes out and dies from his stench of
>Boos and Funk (Grizzlies have a much higher smelling sense) so Al goes to the Showcase.
Servo: and there was some rejoicing, but then it died down.

>Showcase
>Top Winner: Godfather
>Runner Up; AL Bundy
Tonic: I presume the Godfather bribed Bob to be the
top winner in the showcase.

>The 1st Showcase has an Trip around the great ol USA, starting With Gary,
>IN......then continuing to some back lot place in Alabama, ending up with a
>stop at 3 Mile Island. After a long trip, you deserve a cool down in you brand
>new Corvette. Godfather says that he doesn't want it. Bob asks if he is
>passing? Godfather said ? No, but I will make you an offer that you can?t
>refuse.
Crow: Same old Godfather.

>For all the Prizes that I won today, I will trade that for Claudia and
>Heather.? Bob agrees, but Claudia is VERY pissed about it, so she goes in the
>back, gets the Price is Right train, and runs over Godfather AND Bob Barker.
Bots: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

>While this is going on, Al takes a peek at the price for the 2nd Showcase
>(which includes a Trailer, a Living Room Group, and $1000 in groceries). When
>Bob Recovers, AL places his bid of $16,923.
Tonic: I presume Al was always this kind of person, am I right?
Servo: I don't know, we don't watch FOX.

>But Claudia, seeing that Bob
>hasn?t had enough, Decided to choke out Bob hit here 2 bare hands while
>Heather commandeered the Control Booth and replays what Al did throughout the
>show. Phil Wayne disqualifies Al, and declares the Showcase a no contest.
All: (Pointing at Al) HAHA!

>Al get upset, and his No Ma?am buddies decided to take the prizes anyway, as
>Claudia has already choked out Bob Barker, the Godfather, Phil Wayne and
>several others, so they couldn?t get away with nothing. 
Crow: (Dan Rather) Celebrity Price is Right gets HIGHEST RATINGS EVER, film at eleven!

>No Ma?am locks Heather in the Control booth, spray the camera lenses, get Officer Dan?s
>Police Van, takes all the prizes and runs.
Servo: Um... (Does TPiR Theme, weakly)

(Tonic and bots leave the theater)

(1...2...3...4...5..6...X)

(SoK)
Servo: We have to do something! What would Chuck Barris do...
NICOLE: Incoming transmission from Chuck Barris...
(Chuckie Baby appears on screen)
Servo: Hey, it's Chuckie Baby!
Chuck: VBS decided to put me in this so your show doesn't go down the toilet.
Tonic: Sir, Bob Eubanks and bound and gagged by Dr. Forrester in Deep 13. Can you
do anything?
Chuck: Well, I haven't done this in a long time, but... (blows whistle)
(Mads sign)
Tonic: The Mads call us. (taps red button)

(D13)
Dr. F: We got him in our clutches now...
(A High School Marching band walks in and stomps on Dr. F and Frank while Eubanks is unharmed)

(SoK)
Tonic: Wow. You did the impossible.
Chuck: Yessiree. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta talk to Game Show Network and why they're not 
airing more of "The Gong Show"... bye!
(Hexfield closes)
Tonic: So, what happened to Dr. F?

(D13)
Dr. F: Ok, we give up, here's your stupid Eubanks!
Bob: Well, you don't have to be so pushy!
Dr. F: Just get out of here! Frank, push the button.
(Frank pushes the button)
*FWOOOOOOOSH!*
Frank[vo]: Hey, can we get...
Dr. F[vo]: NO.

(MKT3K Love Theme)

Tonic Hedgehog: B.J. Brown
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Crow: Trace Beaulieu
NICOLE: Kath Soucie

And the Mads:
Dr. Forrester: Trace Beaulieu
TV's Frank: Frank Conniff

Special Guest stars:
Chuck Barris: Himself
Bob Eubanks: Himself

MKT3K is 2000, 2001, 2002 B.J. Brown Productions

>For all the Prizes that I won today, I will trade that for Claudia and
>Heather.? Bob agrees, but Claudia is VERY pissed about it, so she goes in the
>back, gets the Price is Right train, and runs over Godfather AND Bob Barker.

a Best Browns Production