STARRING: SHORTY!: It's nothing at all, really! He'll try and keep his sanity With the help of his really stupid friends. SIDEKICK ROLL CALL MechaTails: Who me? Sonique: That's irreguardless. Seth: Cookies please! And other pointless facts (lalala) Repeat to your self 'Cats lick their butts' And then you can relax! For Mystery Sonic Theatre 3000! All walk in Seth: What are we watching? MechaTails: It's called, Playing Dead. Sonique: Sounds like it won't be too bad. Shorty: Let's get started. *starts projecter* >"Playing Dead" (c) 98 by me, A.M. Fleury Shorty: Yep, good ol' AnteMeridian Fleury. >All "Sonic the Hedgehog" characters and related indicia > (c) and TM Sega. >Used without permission. Seth shakes his finger at screen: Shame on you! Shame, shame, and more shame! >Neophyte (c) A.M. Fleury >Packbell (c) David Pistone All: Boring! >Oh yeah, my email is: lupienne@******* Send me comments NOW!! All get out paper and begin writing comments. >This document may be freely distributed, as long as it's not > altered in any way. Sonique: We're dead, you know. >And if you want to use my character, just please don't do > anything too terrible >to her (killing, torture...etc..) Shorty: They always have to take away our fun, don't they? >and make sure she has a happy ending...or >something MechaTails: Yeah.. or something.. *laughs evily* >...and say she's mine too! >Ok, peoples, Seth looks around: Who's peoples? >this story contains: Seth: Cookies! >some violence and swearing...just a warning... All: *yawn* > :) Shorty: :) Sonique: :) MechaTails: :) Seth: :@.. oh, sorry.. :) >Just a note: this ** indicates thought! Sonique: So, we won't be seeing much of that. >"Playing Dead" >By A. Fleury MechaTails: Wait.. what happened to A.M. Fleury? >There was nothing to do in Robotropolis that day. Shorty: Except maybe.. play dead.. >No incredible plans, Sonique: You see there were plans but they weren't incredible. >no >new robots or weapons of mass destruction to test. Robotnik > was slumped lazily >in his throne, Seth: Trying to get rid of his constipation. >while Packbell was staring idly at the surveillance monitors. MechaTails: Which had sexy robot babes on them. >"Packbell," complained Robotnik. "think of something." Shorty: Okay.. I'm thinking of something. >The android continued to gaze at the screens. "Have you > ever noticed this, >sir?" he said finally. Sonique: When I put my hand underneath my armpit and move my arm downward fast, it sounds like a fart. >"Noticed what, Commander?" grumbled Robotnik, Shorty: Still suffereing from his constipation. >hating when Packbell went on >and on, never coming to the point. >"Well, when we torture some of the Mobians to death, or > they die from >experiments or fear or whatnot." MechaTails: Whatnot! Don't forget the whatnot! >"Yes," said Robotnik. "and then we throw them in the dump. So what?" >"The Freedom Fighters always take the dead bodies away," All: Ewwwww. >said Packbell, >finally turning around. "That's what I noticed." Sonique: But some of em are bloody, some are not; heck ya'll, some ain't even bodies at all! >"To give them," Seth: Cookies! >Robotnik sneered for a brief second, "a 'proper' burial, >I'd assume. Your point is...?" Shorty: Now, when you assume, you make an ass out of 'u' and 'me.' >Packbell grinned his sadistic grin. Sonique: But then it fadded as he realized he forgot what he was gonna say. >"Well, where do they bury them? MecahTails: How the hell should I know? >In the >forest perhaps, but there is a great chance that they bury >them in Knothole." Sonique: Knothole is in the Great Forest.. >**Ah, Knothole.** The very thought of finding the hidden >village made >Robotnik's mouth water. Shorty: That I didn't need to know. >The thought of completely destroying that place, leaving >a black crater or deserted huts filled MechaTails: How about a black crater of deserted huts? Shorty: I like it. Seth: Mmmm... desert.. cookies! >with rotting bodies- all ideas of >annihilating Sonique: Whoa.. big words, I'm getting a headache. >the life of Knothole made him shiver in evil pleasure. >But he failed to see Packbell's point. Shorty: I fail to see your point. >So what if they buried them in Knothole? MechaTails: Who is talking now? >But as Packbell smiled once more, the traces of a grin touched > Robotnik's fat lips >also... he was beginning to see. MechaTails: He was blind? >Packbell spoke again, revealing his plan entirely. MechaTails: Including the whatnot! >"Say we kill a Mobian. Then, we insert a tracker into their body, > and >dump them as usual. We wait for a Freedom Fighter to pick > up the body. Seth: How sick is this? >When >the body stops moving--is immobile for a long while- Shorty: We know what not moving means, Packbell, thank you. >we can assume it's been >buried. We zero in on the coordinates." Packbell frowned. Sonique: Because the excitment made him go in his pants. MechaTails: Does Packbell wear pants? >"They may not bury them in Knothole," the 'droid continued. > "But there's a >chance they do- and this could be our lucky break. > Either way, there's nothing >to lose, and a large amount to possibly gain." >Packbell crossed his arms over his chest, Seth: And gave himself a big teddy bear hug. >waiting for Robotnik's response. >Robotnik smiled. "It's a good plan, Commander. But I don't think MechaTails: Oh, sure, have us do all the thinking. >...check >the cells for prisoners." >The android Sonique: Why can't you just say Packbell. We know he's an android. >turned and looked at the surveillance monitors that focused on >the cells. "There is not one prisoner, sir," he reported. >"That's what I thought," growled Robotnik, frowning heavily. Shorty: So heavely that he broke the toilet he sat upon. >The fat >tyrant knew it would take awhile to find and capture a Mobian. Sonique: As did Robotnik. >But he needed >someone to kill- he wanted to carry out the plan NOW. >"We could always kill Snively," said Packbell. "He's useless." Shorty: But user friendly. >Robotnik thought of his nephew. Snively was irritating and >wimpy, but he >did have some use, MechaTails: He was excellent at playing tunes with his armpit. >despite what Packbell said. Who else could Robotnik hit >around when he was stressed? Sonique: I vote for Riochet! >Besides, Snively did come up with good ideas now >and then...but not often >Robotnik continued to think, ignoring Packbell's intent stare. >**No**, thought Robotnik. Seth: No I don't look fat in this dress! >**I won't kill him. He's pathetic...but...he does come in >handy sometimes.** >"No, Commander. Not him." >"Well then, who?" asked Packbell. Sonique: What about Riochet? Shorty hits Sonique: Shut up! >Robotnik was silent. >"Perhaps we could deroboticize..." >"NO!" said Robotnik loudly and angrily. MechaTails: Couldn't they just use the word shouted? >Packbell looked at him, startled. >Robotnik had never used the deroboticizer. >He hated even hearing the word. Seth: Deroboticizer deroboticizer deroboticizer deroboticizer deroboticizer >Using that machine would be like a sin to him; a terrible atrocity Sonique: A what now? >he refused to commit. He didn't even know why he had built it. >Packbell could never understand Robotnik's strange mind, so >he just shook >his head. Shorty: And that'll solve the problems how? >Snively never liked going into the command room when Packbell >was around. >He hated Packbell. >He hated Packbell Seth: By any chance, does he hate Packbell? >with a vicious intense hatred that overshadowed both his >hatreds of Robotnik and the hedgehog. Sonique: This is getting pretty good. >And he feared Packbell, Robotnik's darling 'droid, MechaTails: Oh my darling 'driod, marry me! >his metal and circuit- >born son. Packbell was unpredictable, sometimes merely >annoying, sometimes >cruel beyond belief. Sonique: Wasn't that a TV show on Fox a while back? >But Snively had some stupid reports in his hand. MechaTails: Not to deliver them or anything, it just happened to be the fad at the time. >He was required to give >them to Robotnik, although Robotnik usually just glanced > at them and bellowed at >Snively to quit bothering him. Shorty: As if he has anything better to do. >But you always ask for them, Snively wanted to say. So fuck off. Sonique: My, my. Snively has quite a mouth. >But he never did. He wasn't eager for an early death. Seth: Who isn't? >He entered the room quietly, his boots hardly making a sound >on the smooth >metal floor. Sonique: But the giant radio he had with him was a different story. >Packbell and Robotnik were having a conversation. MechaTails: Tastes great! Shorty: Less filling! MechaTails: Tastes great! Shorty: Less filling! >**It's so very interesting, I'm sure**, Snively started to >think, when >Robotnik's next sentence cut off his thoughts. Sonique: That's a simple task. >"...we could do it without killing Snively." >**K-k-killing Snively?!** Sniv's thoughts stuttered like > a nervous speaker, Seth: Sniv who was behind Snively the whole time. >and he >clenched his teeth to block off his usual screech of fear. >He wanted to hear more. Sonique: But the radio he carried was too loud. >"Well, I suppose we could fake his death," said Packbell, a >twinge of >disappointment in his voice. "With that drug." Shorty: You can do that with any drug. >"That's right," said Robotnik in a pleased tone, remembering >the drug >sitting in one of his laboratories. MechaTails: Was that laboratory or lavatory >"We'll make him swallow a tracker," said Packbell. "Force him >to swallow it." >Snively made a sound then--an indignant gasp at Packbell's >malicious words. >Robotnik and Packbell looked over at him. >"Well, hello, Snively," said Robotnik. >"Hi, freak," said Packbell. Sonique: Hi Pakcbel.. oh... >Snively glared at Packbell, then strode over to Robotnik. >Packbell made a >grabbing motion at him as he passed, and Snively jumped > in fear. Packbell >laughed and folded his arms. Shorty: Hehehe, I'm so funny. >"Some reports," said Snively. "The usual--factories running > the same..." >"Snively, why do you insist on bothering me with this petty > information?" >asked Robotnik, hitting at the papers. Seth: He was hitting on the papers? Shorty: Gotta have something to hit on when you're that ugly. >Snively couldn't help frowning in >irritation as the papers flew out of his hand and scattered all >over the floor. >**Pick those up, Snively, is going to be his next order**, >Sniv thought. Sonique: Sniv thought as Snively picked them up. >"Well, sir, you asked me to bring you the reports. Remember?" >Robotnik sighed. "No, I don't remember. Now pick up those papers." >"Of course you don't, you fat piece of shit," he muttered >as he crouched >down MechaTails shudders as he thinks of Snively bending over. >to pick up the report. Sonique: Hey, reports, wanna help me repopulate our species? >"We were just talking about you," said Packbell. >"I bet you were," said Snively. Shorty sarcastically: What a comeback! >"Oh, we were," said Packbell. Seth: That has been established. >"We have plans for you, little one." >Snively glared at Packbell again, Sonique: He's just such a rebel that Snively. >his tiny fists clenching. God, how he >wanted to rip that android to pieces... MechaTails: He wanted to crush it and smash it in to itty bitty pieces. >Packbell simply laughed. "Shall I explain the plan, Doctor?" Shorty: Who? Me? >Robotnik nodded. >"You're going to find Knothole," said Packbell, smirking evilly > at the little man. >"Oh, am I?" Snively gave Packbell his best evil eye. Shorty: Packbell took the eye in his hand and said, "This is the best you can do??" >"Shut up and listen," ordered Packbell. >There were vulgar insults on the tip of his tongue, Sonique: Like fock and frock? >but Snively bit them Seth: Ouch! >back. Seth: Oh... >They would probably only amuse Packbell anyway. Shorty: Much like that of Sonic_Fan's. >"You're going to play dead," said Packbell. Seth: And if you're good, you get a biscut. >"We'll use that drug on >you....then..." Packbell proceeded to explain his plan. MechaTails: Causing everyone to fall asleep. >Sniv remembered the drug. Sonique: Oh he did, did he? >It stopped the user's heart for a time being, Sonique: Like crack? >but then revived them later. **What a useless stupid drug**, >he thought. All: Like crack. >His only thought >was perhaps it was used in wartime. Shorty: How? >How? Shorty: That's what I just said. >He didn't know, and didn't really care to know. Shorty: Now I'll never know. >"No, no no," he said. Sonique singing: No no no no no no no no no... no one can do the... All: BOOOGALLOO! Sonique: Like i do... >"I don't like it- MechaTails: Come on, we all gotta do a little marajanna sometime. >I don't want to." Shorty in whinny voice: I don't wanna go to school today! >"It's really not your choice, Snively," growled Robotnik. >"You WILL do this." >The lackey's shoulders slumped--there was no use arguing with > Robotnik. >Not unless he wanted to be slapped. Seth: Hmmm.. a choise between taking a drug that could kill you or cause mental damage or a slap in the face... hmmmm... >"Go with Packbell," said Robotnik. "He'll (heh heh) Sonique: he he he >get you ready..." >Packbell walked out of the room, followed by Robotnik's > very unwilling nephew. >********************** MechaTails: I hate those things! >"Alright," said Packbell, when they were in a smaller room. Shorty: That's specific. >"I think Seth: Therefore I am. >I'll make it look like you got shot." Sonique: Sounds like fun. >"Sounds like fun," said Snively drily. Sonique: DOH!!! >"Sit down and shut the fuck up," said Packbell, MechTails: Man, you never even hear Robotnik use that language. >shoving him towards a stool. Seth: EEWWWW! Sonique: Not that kind of stool! Seth: Oh... >"I just wish I could really kill you." Shorty: Don't we all? >"All right...here's the story," All singing: Of a man named Brady! >said the 'droid, throwing his arms out dramatically. > "Little 'ole Snively pissed Robotnik off >majorly. Sonique: What else is new? >Robotnik was so angry, Shorty: He blew up! >that he started to beat up his pathetic little minion. >But that wasn't >enough for Robotnik-oh no! Seth: Can we just get on with the fake death? We don't need to know the where and why! >He was so angry-- Shorty: He blew up! I all ready said that. >he was beyond outrage!" Packbell started hopping around the room, Sonique: Man I gotta pee! >his hands waving around in an over-exaggerated way. >Sniv stared at Packbell. Shorty: I love you, Packbell. Sonique: I love you too, Snively. Seth and MechaTails: Awwww. >"So 'ole Robotnik MechaTails: 'ole Robotnik? Who is that? >draws his laser pistol. 'Oh Snively, I am so tired of you >screwing everything up!' he yells!" Packbell pointed his finger > at Snively. Shorty: Pull my finger. >"Robotnik doesn't even hesitate! He pulls the trigger. BAM!! > Sniv's little ole >brains splatter all over the floor." Sonique: Sweet. >Snively jumped as Packbell screamed out the sound effect > of the gun. >"And that's what I'm gonna make it look like," said Packbell. Seth: Said the 'droid as if we cared. >Snively wasn't sure he liked the idea. >Actually, he hated the idea. >Packbell had all his supplies out. Seth: Let's see, tampons, pads... >**Good thing we kept some of that old >crap from King Acorn's castle**, Seth: EEWWW! Sonique: I don't think he meant that kind of crap... >he thought. He had a make-up kit from Spirit's >Night, when everyone dressed up in scary costumes. Shorty: Oh yeah, there just happened to be a Spirit's Night. >He could make a very believable >laser hole with that. Sonique: Oh just stick him with a knife! >He had the drug, loaded into a syringe. >And he had his fists. MechaTails: For what purpose now? >Snively needed some bruises, after all. To make it look more > believable, >of course. MechaTails: Oh, of course >Packbell brought all his supplies back into the room, >where Snively sat on >the stool, Sonique points to Seth: Don't say it. >trying not to look anxious. **He's such a wussy**, thought Packbell >"All right," said Packbell. "I'm ready to make you look dead. >First, you need to >look pummeled. After all, Robotnik got very angry. That's why > he killed you." Shorty: Can we talk in a less confusing tense? >"Really, Packbell," said Snively nervously. "If Robotnik was that >angry, >he would've just shot me. He wouldn't have beaten me up." Sonique: Nah, he would've kicked your little ass! >"Shut up. You want this to work?" All: NO! >Snively said nothing. >Packbell clenched a fist. Shorty: Which was not his own fist. >He smiled cruelly. MechaTails: MUAHAHHAHAHA! >This was going to be enjoyable. >A jolt of fear shot through Snively's body, every instinct > urging >him to flee. He jumped off the stool and Sonique: Y'know, a lot of that stuff can be taking two different ways.. Shorty: Is sex the only thing you think about? Sonique: What do you think? Shorty: ..yes? >dodged around Packbell as the android >threw the first punch. All stand up and chant: Jerry! Jerry! >"Oh no you don't!" howled Packbell Seth: HHHOOOOOOWWWWLLLL!!! >gleefully as Sniv bolted towards the >door. He leapt after the little man, grabbing him, and drawing > him up into a bear hug. MechaTails: Awww.. now they love each other. >He squeezed crushingly hard, and heard ribs creak under the pressure. All: Jerry! Jerry! >"No, Packbell! No!" Snively wheezed for breath, only to be cracked > in the side of >the face with a fist. Packbell laughed sadistically. Shorty: HAHAHHA! >"Ow, Packbell," said Sniv, Sonique: You broke my nosey! Kiss it and make it better. >when he got his breath back. "Packbell, you stupid..." >Packbell threw Sniv' agaisnt the wall. All: Jerry! Jerry! >He slumped to the ground, tears starting to >rise in his eyes. Shorty: All tears rise for the President of the US> >Packbell advanced on him, chuckling evilly. >**Oh God, this is gonna hurt**, thought Snively, as Packbell >drew back his foot. All: Jerry! Jerry! >Finally, Packbell was done. He stepped back to eye his handiwork. >Snively was on the floor, crying and clutching his belly. Sonique: Y'know... I dunno about you guys, this is getting disturbing. Why would anyone write a fic like this? I mean for the soul purpose of beating up a cartoon charactor? >**He has a wonderful >skin color**, thought Packbell, **a harmonious pattern of blue > and black.** He laughed >aloud. Shorty: I hear it gets about ten times worse when Snively gets to Knothole. Sonique: I'm outta here. *leaves the theatre* Seth: Wussy! Sonique calling from outside the theatre: Free cookies! Seth: I'm there! *runs out the theatre* MechaTails: Guess it's you and me Shorty... Shorty? *looks around and finds he's alone. Walks over to projector and shuts off the fanfic and leaves.* *There's dead silence in the theatre.* Sorry, but this fic was basically just about Snively getting beat up and I grew rather tired of it quickly, so I'm not going to bother finishing this. Sorry to the author, but whatever it is you're on, cut the dosage and get some help!