PIRACY

   The sky above Mobius was a deep orange, almost red, and an equally orange smudged sun was 
nestling comfortably in the distance. Below it the dazzling lights of the Casino Night Zone, and
the twinkling mass that was the unpopulated but very pretty Starlight Zone, projected upwards, 
like Hollywood spotlights. 

   A black oval shape drifted slowly through the twilight. 

   This black oval shape was one of Robotnik's more upper class creations. The Madame Egg was a
first-class luxury airship, the best since the ill-fated Gigantic, which hit an airborne iceberg
and fell into the sea. No one knows how the iceberg became airborne. People became suspicious 
when a group of Penguinators started giggling at its mention, but is now a fact lost in the past.
 Inside the Madame Egg Robotnik was throwing a party. Not everyone was upset over his recent 
dictation of planet Mobius. In actuality, a vast majority of the planet's industry leaders were 
overjoyed. Their employees, as Badniks, worked much harder for no cost- and Robotnik paid the 
leaders a considerable bundle to do his dirty work for him. 
  Grumtar Scumble, a large walrus who owned a division of the Chemical Plant Zone, decided he
needed to voice his feelings. Raising his wineglass above his head, he nodded to Robotnik, who 
was enjoying a scrambled egg sandwich or six from the snack selection, whilst answering 
questions from various guests. The walrus sidled over. 

  "You're doing a great job, Doctor," he told him, trying to ignore the faint smell of egg. "My
Chemical Plant division is manufacturing quicker than ever thanks to that new batch of Badniks
you sent me. What was it you called them?"

  "Egthchrobos," said Robotnik, trying to munch on a sandwich and clean the egg from his 
moustache with the same hand.
  "Ah, yes, Eggrobos. Surprisingly intelligent creatures." said Grumtar.  
  "Yesch, my moscht sophistchicated yetch..." Robotnik paused, and downed the final mouthful of
sandwich. He grinned his huge grin. "Of course, not counting Metal Sonic, and Mecha Knuckles. 
Hmmm, they should be around here somewhere. I assigned them the task of serving martinis."
  "Serving martinis?" gasped Grumtar. "Surely a task as minuscule of that is not fit for their
calibre of robotics?"
  "Ah, well, they do it well enough, of course. And I, ah, like to show off my achievements to 
the guests, of course..."
  The walrus examined Robotnik for a while. 
  "So, what do you have lined up for us, doctor?"
  "Ah, well, don't tell anyone, but I've organised a sort of cat walk for my Badniks. I've got
about three hundred in this ship. I thought I could perhaps show everyone what the new designs 
are like. You know." Robotnik took another sandwich. 
  "Ah, I see..."
  Grumtar Scumble decided to join some other guests, so Robotnik was left with his sandwiches.  
  The party went on. 


   Sonic the Hedgehog tightened his hands into fists, then relaxed them, over and over again. He 
and Tails had been airborne for over half and hour now. 
  "We nearly there yet?" he called down to his friend, who was piloting the plane. 
  "Um. Yes. Porker Lewis said the ship was heading due this way, over the Oil Ocean Zone."
  "So we should see it any minute now, right?"
  "Well, yes..."
  The hedgehog squinted into the horizon. He couldn't see anything yet. 
  "Wonder if it's a good party?" wondered the hedgehog, to no one in particular. "I hope 'Botnik
won't mind us gatecrashing."
  "Mind you, I think he will," shouted Tails from beneath. His voice seemed blurred to Sonic's
ears, because the wind was making so much noise. "He never liked anything else we did," Tails
continued. "Except for falling for one his traps back on Floating Island... hey, is that it?"
  A black silhouette of an airship loomed up through the clouds, drifting at a leisurely rate.
This was it. 
  But there was another black silhouette. It was, quite obviously, another airship, but this one
was about half the size, and appeared to be fighting a losing battle against gravity, unlike the 
Madame Egg, which looked like had been appointed by God to soar. 

  "What the hell is that?" exclaimed Sonic. "I thought Porker said Robotnik only had one ship out
here."
  "So did I, but I guess Porker's computers can't be right about everything. Maybe it's a 
security escort? You know, in case of us. Or something."
  "Nah. Egg dude doesn't know we know he's here."
  The biplane swooped lower, until they were just metres from the side of Robotnik's airship. It 
was huge. As they sped past, Sonic gazed into the rapidly disappearing windows, and observed the
party. He waved at a few less cool-looking individuals, mainly for kicks. One of them was a
walrus. 
  "Very swanky," observed the hedgehog, with a grin, "Probably one of those parties where they 
serve all kinds of weird stuff, you know, like fish eggs, and uncool stuff like that. Tails, 
where can you take us down?"
  "I don't think I can, Sonic," replied Miles Prower, looking around worriedly. "I doubt this
thing was designed for having biplanes landed on."
  "Then you'll have to just drop me. I'll be ok, don't worry!" he added quickly, seeing the
expression on Tails' face. 
  "But what if that other ship is an escort? Doctor Robotnik might have hundreds of Badniks in 
there!" The fox didn't know how right he was. If he did, he would have flown away immediately, 
with Sonic still on the plane.  
  "Chill, buddy! I'll be fine!" Said Sonic, looking for somewhere he could join the party. There
must be an escape hatch somewhere. 
  "But how will you get back? I don't have enough fuel to keep on hovering around and pick you
up, and anyway some Badnik has most likely all ready spotted us, and-"
  "Look. I'll manage it. I've been managing it all my life. Whoa, there's an airlock! Tails, pull
over!"
  The fox pulled over as instructed, until Sonic was level with the hatch in the side of the 
airship. It was designed to open only from the inside. For a supersonic blue hedgehog that, 
apparently, was unable to become any cooler through a universal temperature drop, this did not 
present itself as any particular problem. 
  He readied himself, leapt high into the air-- curling into a spiky blue ball in the process-- 
and connected with the airlock. 
  "Bye Sonic!" yelled Tails, lowering the biplane. "I'm running low on fuel. Be careful!"
  There was an ear-splitting crunch as several feet of thickened, reinforced steel buckled under
the might of something moving very fast indeed.
  Tails blinked as he disappeared below the clouds.
  Sonic was lying on the floor beyond the airlock, surrounded by debris. He pulled himself to a 
sitting position, rubbing his head. "Ooh," he moaned to himself. "That was one hard chunk of 
metal. Um, where exactly in the ship am I?"
  He frowned. 
  Several hundred Badniks were crowded around him. It was apparent that if Sonic decided to
tweak a toe, they would do something nasty with lasers and spikes and other things. 
  Twenty Badniks he could take, two hundred he couldn't. Smash one and another, or more likely 
several others would fill him full of holes. 
  Tricky. 
  "Okay, most unbodaicous dudoid droids. I surrender. Take me to your leader." It was the only
thing he could think of in the circumstances, and however uncool it may have been, Sonic decided
he would think of something else later. 
  He wondered if Badniks were programmed with the ability to be merciful. He'd never met one that
took prisoners, that much was certain.
  There was a sudden loud, booming spasm of laughter. Sonic's thin blue ears had picked it up far
too many times previously to be healthy. He'll probably be wiggling his moustache and all, 
predicted the hedgehog.
  Robotnik was wiggling his moustache. He was also wiggling the rest of his body, in time to the
rhythmic beat of the laughter. The tens of hundreds of Badniks cleared a path for the demented 
dictator to waddle through, and Robotnik walked, laughing as he did so, along it. Sonic didn't 
think he'd ever seen him so happy. 
  "So what's so funny, eggs-for-brains?" snapped Sonic. He wasn't having a good day, ever since 
he'd accidentally put raspberry sauce instead of ketchup on his morning hot dog, right up to the
point when... well, now, obviously.
  "This is!" replied the doctor. "This could most probably be the most egg-ceedingly- ha ha ha! -
Perfect day of my life! Badniks, if this blue monstrosity of a pincushion sees itself fit to bat 
an eyelid, see to it that he won't have any eyelids left to blink. Use tweezers if- ha ha ha! - 
Necessary. Oh yes, and clap him in chains."
  Doctor Robotnik lowered himself (which wasn't something he usually attempted) towards the
horrified Sonic, until his nose was mere millimetres away from our hero's own snout. The smile 
faded from his fat lips, which proceeded to utter the words: 
  "Sonic the Hedgehog, I hereby announce you under arrest. You will be prosecuted to the maximum 
extent possible under the law." He turned to face his army of Badniks, and the smile- once an
overjoyed grin of insane degrees, but now more of a stretch of the mouth muscles- etched itself
once more across his face, as he added, "My law."

  All Sonic could think of that effectively summed up the whole event was, "Aaaaah, uncool, most 
seriously uncool, I will surely die". At that point he stopped thinking of effective ways of 
summing up the whole event, because it was a very negative and unheroic thing to do. 
  As an Eggrobo locked the handcuffs around his fists, he tried to think of ways he could have 
made the whole thing work properly. Getting Tails involved was one point, but he wouldn't have 
been able to help- even the two of them wouldn't be able to get through the army of robots. He'd 
felt so sure that the airlock was the right way in. Away from the party, beneath the deck, less 
security... 
  The Eggrobo finished the task in hand. Sonic carefully examined the restraints on his arms. 
Robotnik-manufactured Mobian steel, no doubt. A nuke couldn't shift it. 
  The Eggrobo began to lead him through the engine machinery, surrounded by the massive escort
of robots. A flicker of hope flashed through Sonic's mind- the Badniks had failed to restrain 
his legs, the most important aspect of this particular hedgehog. Now, all he had to do was make
a break for it at the right-- 
  There was a heavy-duty ker-chunk-click as, to Sonic's horror, another Badnik applied metal 
restraints to his two blue legs. The chains allowed him to walk only in tiny steps, but unable 
to run. Sonic cursed under his breath. 
  So he'd done it. Eggy boy had finally got Sonic. He was really for the chop now. But, he 
reminded himself; he mustn't give up hope. The hedgehog was determined to escape before he was
executed. 
   Robotnik led the way to the party, followed by about half of his robots. As Sonic- with much 
difficulty- hopped up some stairs, there was a faint sound of voices, and music. Robotnik reached the top of the stairs and threw open a door. Beyond was the party.
  "Ladies and Gentlemen," he bellowed. "An unexpected incident has occurred. My Badniks have captured, with a minimum of fuss, your, and my own, number one enemy." 
  Sonic's mouth dropped open. He felt like strangling Robotnik right on the spot. 
  "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… Sonic the Hedgehog!" 
  Sonic's eyes widened. He realised this was his cue, and, with much reluctance, trudged into the ballroom, head bent. 
  "Oh, man," he muttered to himself. "I am dead."
  A gasp went up from the crowd's collective guests. Someone had enough courage to speak. "ER, you're not having us on? This is the real Sonic? Captured?" 
Other voices chimed up: "That Sonic and his band of outlaws… they've been destroying expensive equipment…" "…number of my Badniks he's smashed…" 
  Robotnik's grin was wider than ever before. If it became any wider, it appeared the ends would meet and the front of his face would fall off. 
  Sonic searched the room for a means of escape. Nothing made itself apparent. 
  Then the windows exploded.

  The sound of several sheets of glass separating from themselves and forming millions of little
shards of glass makes interesting, if a little short, reading. An as yet unnamed Mobian author 
once published a book called "The Sound of Breaking Glass". It basically consisted of the 
aforesaid sound effect spread out over several chapters. Subsequently, the first letter takes up
roughly sixteen pages. And that is the just the first chapter. 
  The sound effect, as written in "The Sound of Breaking Glass", is this: 
Kkkkkkeeerrrcccchhhhkkkkkkssshhhh-tinkle tinkle tinkle. 
  The book did not sell well. 
  This was because the sound is much more enjoyable interpreted by the eyes, as well as being far
more interesting speeded up and not having quite so many Ks. 
  In the Madame Egg, the sound effect had finished three seconds ago, the ballroom now contained 
roughly fifty more people than it had three seconds ago, and Doctor Robotnik felt considerably 
more annoyed than he had three seconds ago. 
  Standing in the remains of the windows was a crew of Sky Pirates. They were indeed a band of 
scurvy swabs, for several of them held knifes between their teeth, had eyepatches, wooden legs,
and all of them were quite obviously suffering from a severe lack of Vitamin C.
  At the front of the crew was what appeared to be their captain. He was a huge walrus, much 
bigger than Grumtar Scumble, and wore a large, muddy green coat. Sonic was momentarily surprised
to see he had legs, before remembering public services supplied robotic limbs where required. 
Well, what used to be public services. Ask for robotic limb replacements or additions now, and 
you would be given a brief smile and mysteriously disappear the next morning.   
  "What...is...that?" managed Sonic. Then it hit him, with the velocity of a small, lit lightbulb
travelling at a million thousand lightyears per second. This temporarily stunned him, but it was 
obvious that the ship he and Tails had seen earlier was a Sky Pirate Ship. 
  He grinned to himself. This was hideously, gruellingly, horribly inconvenient for Doctor 
Robotnik. Sonic glanced up at the dictator, who had turned a violent shade of purple. 
  A plan began to form in his mind, slotting into place- after much trial and error, as he 
attempted to fit a nobbly bit where there was another nobbly bit- like a mental jigsaw puzzle. 
The complete picture was that of Sonic hidden behind some crates in the Sky Pirates' airship.
  The walrus captain strode forward, fists balled, his huge flabby face grinning and his eyes
shining with that happy sort of evilness Sonic had only previously seen in Robotnik, mere minutes
ago. Upon meeting him, you became under the impression he was about to do you a big favour.  
  "Ar, ye scurvy lamb lovers. Land lubbers," he corrected himself hurriedly. It appeared to 
Sonic as if he was trying hard to live up to the guests' grim expectations.
  "Ye land lubbers. I be Cap'n Plunder, and we wants yer booty. 'And it over and n' one'll get 
'urt." 
  As if showing he knew how to use a gun, he cocked a fairly standard Photon Pistol and, after a
few tries, effectively punctured the face of a large Grandfather clock positioned at one end of 
the ballroom. 
  There was silence as the guests, Robotnik fuming on the spot, waited for something to happen. 
  "Ar," said the captain again. He was still grinning, but his eyes strained with confusion. 
"Aren't you going-- er, are ye not goin' ta 'and it over, then? 'Urry it up!"
  Silence. 
  Sonic felt it necessary to chime up. 
  "For Pete's sake, guys. Didn't you hear the good piratey dude? Hand over your boots!" he said,
Waving his chained hands in the general direction of the pirates. Most of them still clenched
knives between their not-so-pearly teeth, but a few of the more sane ones, or those who lacked
enthusiasm, had slipped them under their belts. Besides, their teeth were getting tired.   Robotnik glared at him, but said nothing. 
  The guests suddenly seemed to realise the situation, and an intense murmuring rose from the 
huddle. The happy evilness returned to the captain's eyes. "Ahar! That be's more like it!" he
rasped happily. "Now line up, an' me crew of motley scurvies" uh, me scurvy crew of motlies" uh,
me crew'll come round, n' take yer boots. Booty. Might take yer boots too, though, if thar nice 
ones," he added.
  "Is this guy for real?" wondered Sonic to himself.
  'Oh, and Robotnik, if ye wants to tells ye robbots 'ere to attack me's, don't, because ye won't
live long to do it. No, that's not right. Uh, don't, because ye won't live very long afterwards.
Yeah, thar's right. Not very dramatic, ah know, but it'll do."   
  The guests, reluctantly, did as he instructed, leaving Sonic and Robotnik to watch. The Badniks
did not appear to have noticed anything was wrong- the only thing they would, or could do without
orders from Robotnik was attack Sonic, Tails or Knuckles. Robotnik longed for a chance to instruct
them to attack the pirates but the captain had his photon pistol poised at them both, in case 
they decided to do anything fishy. 
  So, there was only one way out then. Robotnik reached behind his ear, to scratch it. This was 
perfectly normal. The odd thing was the way his ear bleeped happily once he scratched it.
  Sonic noted this and glanced at Captain Plunder, who didn't appear to have noticed. He was
standing there quite contentedly, blaster in hand, aimed at Robotnik's forehead. He kept 
mumbling things under his breath, like, "Make my day, punk" and "Dead or alive you be commin' 
with me". It was quite unnerving. Sonic hoped he would indeed be coming with him. 
  The last sack, filled with jewellery, was secured with a rope and hoisted around a pirate's
shoulder. Plunder considered taking their boots, but decided against it, because it was too much 
luggage. Pity, though. 
  A pirate suddenly shrieked, "Cap'n! Cap'n! There's a squadron of Badniks headin' this way!"
  The captain thought fast. They'd never get to the ship in time. What now?
  Hostages! Yes. Hostage taking. Grab a bloke and call it a hostage.
  He blinked, focussed on the first thing he saw, and grabbed it. 
  It was an annoyed-looking blue hedgehog. 
  "Hey!" said Sonic, agitated. He'd been captured enough times already today to hire himself out
as a professional prisoner. "Go easy on the spikes, man!"
  "Shut yer cake 'ole, son! Robotnik, call yer scum-suckin' lamb-lovin' robbot swabs off me crew!
Or Spikes here gets it!"
  "That's Sonic the Hedgehog to you!" protested Spikes.
  Robotnik grinned menacingly. There had been far too many deranged evil people grinning today. 
Evil people should never be given a reason to grin. 
  "Kind sir," explained the doctor, "you are holding in your hands one Class S specimen. S is for
Speedy, Spiky, Sarcastic and Stupid. He is also my number one enemy and is currently under 
arrest. Execute him if you wish, but that will be added to the list of offences you have carried 
out."
  Captain Plunder's mouth slowly fell open. Time for Plan B. 
  "Arright, lads! Run fer it!" 
  "Badniks!" screamed Robotnik, thrusting an accusing digit in Plunder's direction, "Capture this
eggs-asperatingly frustrating excuse for a pirate!"
  There was the sound of two hundred gears and pulleys operating at once. When it had finished, 
Sonic was once again surrounded by the robots, as well as a foiled Captain Plunder. 
  "Aw, no," said the pirate. Sonic grinned up at him. All this had been hugely entertaining. 
  "Yeah, it really bites when this happens, eh?"said Sonic. "You get used to it though."
  The fifty or so Sky Pirates clambered over themselves to get back over to their ship. It was 
their last hope, and was had been very difficult indeed to achieve, but they had managed it. The 
second the last pirate had clambered into the Airship the second batch of Badniks had just 
arrived.
  They stood, leaning against walls for support, breathing deeply. 
  "Okay," said one, panting, "where to now, captain?"
  Silence, but for the sound of hurried breathing filling the airship.
  "Captain?"
  There was still no reply.
  "Cap'n! Yoo-hoo!"
  The booming sound of "Arhar, me maties, arhar" failed to happen.
  "Where the hell as the captain gone?"
  "I thought he was with you!"
  "With me? Why would he be with me?"
  "I don't know!" 
  And thus, the mystery of why he would be with him remains unsolved to this day. We do know, 
however, that he wasn't with him, and that he was on his way to execution, along with a blue 
spiky hedgehog. 

colin.duffy@lineone.net