Realm Legends: Legend 7: Into Every Life A Little Insanity Must Fall... By: Chandra Rooney _____________________________________________________________________ Legal stuff: Cait Sith, Chocobos and all other FFVII characters/likenesses are copy-right of Squaresoft. Used without permission. Sarah Aylward copyright and appears courtesy of herself. Natalie Howard is also copyright of herself. The Green Gibbon!/Midori Saru copyright of GG!. K.T.E/Jack Mamoru is copyright of (yep, you guessed it) K.T.E. Cait WB, Sailor Chicken Surprise, and Sailor Chicken Fajita are copyright of the Chicken- master WB. Dark Cloud? is copyright of the Dark Gibbon?. Used with permission. Moon Guardian, Zephyr, and all other original Realm Legends characters/likenesses/concepts are copy-right of Chandra Rooney. All the characters and ideas presented are my own, unless otherwise noted. _____________________________________________________________________ "Fortune's good"-- Cait Sith, FFVII "Everything tastes like chicken! Chicken tastes like shrimp! Shrimp taste like steak! Steak tastes like duck! And Duck tastes Like Chicken ! All good things taste like chicken, all bad things taste like meatloaf, and all odd things taste like fruitcake!!! In closing Live life to the fullest, never eat peas up your nose, be sure to nack your weasels twice a day, and everythings better with a dollop of daisy !!!!!!!!!" -- WB's "Tastes Like Chicken" speech. _____________________________________________________________________ Chapter One: Somewhere between Nibel and Rocket Town "I'm tired of walking," Moon announced. "There must be a faster way to get to Rocket Town." "Well, we could get Chocobos," Gibbon suggested. "From where?" Jack asked. "We're out in the middle of nowhere." "What's a chocobo?" Zephyr asked, bored. She was in the process of changing the cd in her discman, and had caught this last little conversation. Moon looked at the silver-haired, green-eyed female. Well, not really a female, but it was just less confusing to think of Zephyr as a girl. Any other way took too much effort to understand. They're learned very early on into the trip that Zephyr reminded the group more of Vincent Valentine that Sephiroth. She was aloof, never committing herself one way or the other, and quite often somber and sulking. She hadn't replied in more than one four word sentence since they'd left. "A chocobo is a large kinda bird thing you can ride around," Gibbon explained. "They go wark! Waaaaaaark!" "Hrm. How fascinating," was the bored replied. "That's six words in less than two minutes," Jack told Moon. "It must be a new record." "You be nice to Zephyr," Moon said. "Anyway, as Jack said, GG!...where are we going to get a chocobo?" "How about that farm over there?" Gibbon suggested. Across the green grass that lay to the right of the faded and overgrown path was an opening in a fence. Beside the brown wooden planks was a sign reading: "Nibel Area Chocobo Ranch. Under New Management, C'mon in!". Jack read the sign's painted message out loud. "Well...isn't this convenient?" "It's an omen," Zephyr replied dryly. "That's showing the positive thinking, Zephiroth!" Gibbon said cheerily. She glared at him in silence for a few moments before finally answering. "And with what money do you plan to purchase these chocobos?" "Goddess, you're such a downer!" Gibbon began walking down the path that lead though the ranch's gates. "We'll barter...trade. Yeah, we'll trade you for a chocobo! Good deal if you ask me. Chocobos are generally more happy." Zephyr kicked a rock at the back of his legs, and whistled innocently when it hit with a painful 'plink'. Chapter Two: They walked down the more carefully tended path to the ranch. Several yellow chocobos wandered about in the pens. But there were many other kinds too: black ones, green ones, blue ones, purple ones, and even an extremely rare gold chocobo. Jack knocked loudly on the door of the ranch-house. "Coming! I'm coming!" a voice called from around the barn. "Keep your clothes on! Unless you're a beautiful woman, if you are then please feel free to get naked!" "I like the new owner already," Gibbon remarked. A giant whitish-pink mog waddled into view. Atop it sat a stuffed toy black bat. A tiny baby chocobo was following the mog around. "How odd," Zephyr said looking up briefly. "Hello! Welcome to Mr. Chicken's Chicken Ranch!" the stuffed bat cried. "I'm Mr. Chicken, but you can call me Cait WB!" "Cait?" Gibbon leaned forward. "Hey, are you some robot being controlled by your real body in some far off place?" "You bet your chicken nuggets I am!" "I'm sensing a theme here," Jack began. "I'd say Mr. Chicken likes...chicken." Cait WB looked them all up and down. "Well, what can Cait WB do for you kiddies?" "We want to get a chocobo to help us get to Rocket Town faster, Mr. Chicken," Moon said. "You seem to have lots of pretty ones!" "Cute kid," Cait WB said. "But looky here, honey, I don't have any choco-whatsits. I sell chickens like Mariah here." He pointed to the baby chocobo that was pecking at his mog. "But Mr. Chicken? Isn't Mariah a chocobo? She sure looks like-" "Have a lolly-pop, kid," he shoved a sucker in Moon's mouth cutting her off. "Do you have any chickens for sale, then?" Zephyr asked. "Why sure thing, baby! This *is* a Chicken Ranch after all!" "But the sign said-" Moon began. "Don't you like your lolly-pop?" Cait WB asked Moon. "Yes, sir, but-" "Then eat it!" "We're interested in a...chicken that can get us over the mountains to Rocket Town. Also, if you have any...chickens that can travel across water to Wutai, we'd like one. I see you have a gold...chicken over there," Gibbon pointed to the Gold bird. "A chicken that can cross mountains and oceans?! No chicken can do that!" Cait WB declared, bouncing up and down on his mog. "What you kids want is a chocobo." "Exactly," Jack said. "We'd like that gold chocobo over there." "Dammit kid! THAT IS A CHICKEN!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!!" The little toy was furious. "YOU'RE THE TENTH PEOPLE TODAY!!!" "Excuse me, Mr. Chicken," Zephyr cleared her throat. "We were mislead into believing this establishment was a Chocobo ranch. A sign by your entrance gates proclaims that it is. Perhaps you should correct the sign so as to not have any other people interested in chocobos mislead." "Heh...?" Cait WB asked. "...my sign says Chocobo ranch?" Zephyr nodded. "Well...slap mah fro! Those Evil Turkeys must have done it!" "Do you mean Turks?" Gibbon asked. "No! Turkeys! The evil white meat!" They stared at him. "By Chicken! It seems I've mislead you folks into coming here," the toy slapped his head. "And it's too dark to continue on. The least I can do is let you all stay here for the night. Then you can get a fresh start for Rocket Town tomorrow morning." "That's very nice of you, Mr. Chicken," Jack said. "I'll even feed you some of my world-class fried chicken!" "We're not going to have to share beds, are we?" Zephyr asked suddenly. "No," Moon said, her mouth full of sucker. "Mr. Chicken, this sucker tastes a little...odd." "What? You don't like my patented chicken-flavored sucker?" Cait WB asked, as he led them towards the ranch house. "Why don't I introduce you to my ranch-hand? Dark Cloud?! C'mere you useless vagrant!" "Dark...Cloud?" Gibbon looked at Jack. "First Cait WB, and now Dark Cloud?? Something odd is going on." The black kid with the spiky black hair wandered out from the barn. "I am Dark Cloud?! Beware my wrath or I shall smite you with my booster sword!" Moon looked up from feeding her sucker to Mariah. "Isn't it 'buster' sword?" "Quiet woman! Or I'll smite you!" Zephyr folded her arms. "Do you even know what 'smite' means?" "Ha! You insult me!" Dark Cloud? laughed. "For that I will punish you by helping myself to your underwear!" "You'll..." Zephyr growled. "Nasty hentai child! You'll do nothing of the sort! Shadow Flare!" Dark Cloud? was slammed into the side of the barn with a mighty thump. Gibbon cheered. Jack asked when they were going to eat. Moon succeeded in feeding the nasty chicken sucker to Mariah. Sarah was beginning to see how maybe they should have given this idea of hers a little more thought. Or at least stopped to pack a bag. The sun was setting, and it was getting colder. "There's a path that leads off the road here," Natalie pointed. "It goes to the Nibel Area Chocobo Farm." "Do you think they went that way?" Sarah asked. "Even if they didn't we still need a place to stay tonight." "True." The turned and began up the trial to the ranch. "Hey, Natalie? I think there's something not right with them." "How so?" Natalie asked. "Well...if Sefira and Zephyr are cousins, why do they look exactly alike? And why haven't we seen Lir since the beginning of the party? And who is this Gabriel guy? And what the hell is wrong with Moon?" Natalie thought for a moment. "Good point. When we catch up with them we should make sure we get some answers." Sarah shook her head. "No, let's not ask directly just yet. I want to see what we can learn if we just listen." Meanwhile back at the ranch... Cait WB put a heaping plate of fried chicken down on the table. "Shoo Mariah! That's not for you!" The small chocobo stopped pecking at Jack's plate and got off the table. Everyone took a piece or two of chicken. It smelled very good. "Mmm...yummy," Moon said taking a big bite. "I love chicken!" "You taste like chicken, Moon!" Cait WB announced at hearing this. "I do...?" "That's just my way of saying you're cool." "These are pretty big chicken pieces," Gibbon remarked as he passed the plate to Jack. "I don't think I've ever seen chicken pieces so big." Zephyr wiped her mouth with a napkin. "Did this happen to come from one of the former chickens on your ranch?" "Sure thing, baby! This here was Ol' Warker!" Cait WB announced, displaying his mouthful of bird-meat. "Did you use eleven secret herbs and spices?" "Yes indeedie!" "Ah, good," Zephyr replied and took another huge bite. After chewing she looked around the table at her fellow travelers. "Whut? Don't sou wike it?" "Zephyr...that's disgusting!" Moon announced. "You're eating chocobo!" "Swo? It's wery tasty!" "Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!" "Well...it kinda tastes like chicken..." Jack began, poking at the chocobo leg on his plate. "Well, I'm ready for dessert!" Cait WB announced. "Who would like some icy cream?" "Is it chocolate chip mint?" Gibbon asked. "No, fool! It's chicken icy cream!" "There's such a thing?" Moon asked, looking sick. "Why of course. We make it fresh here every day!" Cait WB clapped his stuffed bat wings together. "Dark Cloud?! Go and fetch some chicken icy cream, you vagrant!" "I'm not done eating my chicken!" Dark Cloud? protested. "Don't make me get ethnic with you, boy. Go and fetch us some chicken icy cream from the fridge." He grumbled, and got up from the table. "Ah, now who will be having some chicken icy cream?" There was a loud crash from the kitchen. "Dark Cloud?! You ideeeeeeot!! What did you do now?" The mog waddled away from the table. "Excuse me a moment, kiddies." Jack looked at Moon. "Chicken icy cream?" Zephyr stood. "I need some fresh air. Come...Gibbon. Let's take a walk." "Who? Me? You want *me* to come?" Zephyr grabbed him by the arm and pulled him up. "I said come on." "But why do you think I want to go anywhere with you?!" There was a lengthly pause, and then Zephyr smirked. "Oh I see. You thought it was a request." "It wasn't...?" Chapter Three: Gibbon and Zephyr walked across the moonlight ranch to the Gold Chocobo's pen. "Did you bring me out here to kill me?" Gibbon asked. "Because if you did, I should let you know that I'm immortal." "I'm not going to waste my time killing you, moron," Zephyr replied. "We're stealing this chocobo." "Nani? We're going to steal the chocobo and then hide it in the bushes somewhere till morning when we can pick it up after leaving here?" She frowned. "Don't be an idiot. Hear me out. We need this chocobo to get to Rocket Town fast, right?" "Hai..." "So why don't we take it and someone can go on ahead to get the scroll while the rest of us catch up later? Only one person can ride this thing after all." "Hey," Gibbon narrowed his eyes. "There's no way I'm letting you leave! How do we know you won't just skip out on us? You *are* a Sephiroth, after all." "Baka! *You're* the one going!" She pulled out her gun, and aimed at the lock on the chocobo pen. A silenced bullet splintered the wood around the lock. "Go in there and make friends with Uncle Choppy." "Who?" Gibbon asked, confused. Zephyr pointed to a name-plate on the gate. It read 'Uncle Choppy'. "What the hell kind of name is Uncle Choppy?" he muttered, shaking his head. Gibbon hopped into the pen with the chocobo. "Uh, hi, Uncle Choppy. Nice night, isn't it? Feel like going for a ride?" The chocobo began to wark insanely. "What did you do?!" Zephyr snapped. "It's gone berserk!" "I didn't touch it!" "Hold it right there, chicken thieves! I, Dark Cloud?, shall smite you with my booster sword!" The figure with the spiky hair appeared from nowhere. "It's buster, you idiot! Buster sword!" Zephyr yelled. "It's you! So this is how you repay Mr. Chicken for his hospitality! I shall smite you! Smite! Smite! Smite!" Zephyr shot him. "Moron." Dark Cloud? dropped to the ground. "We'd better get going," she told Gibbon. "There's a dead ranch hand to explain now." "Wrong fools!" the voice cried. The figure sprang up from the ground. Gibbon squinted in the darkness. "It...can't be!" Zephyr stared at the black, two-tailed fox. A white streak ran through his hair, and electricity crackled about his tails. "What the hell?" she wondered. "I, Dark Gibbon?, lord of the Hentai Kingdom am immortal!" the fox proclaimed. "You cannot kill me with bullets, wrench! Now I will steal your bra as punishment!" "My what?" "Your bra! Your bra!" the fox-thing hopped up and down. "Is it a nice lacy one? Or perhaps satin?" "My...bra?" "Maybe it has little hearts or bows on it?" Zephyr frowned. "But, I'm *not* wearing a bra..." "You're...not..." the fox thing stared at her. Then it promptly got a nose-bleed and passed out. "I don't believe it!" Gibbon stared. "The Dark Gibbon?, Lord of the Hentai Kingdom is working as a ranch-hand for some insane stuffed bat? Things must be really bad back home." "You know that...thing?" Zephyr asked. "Hai, that is one of my gibbon brethren. There are a few of us scattered about the worlds." "You...look like that?" "Of course not!" Gibbon replied, insulted. "I'm much more kawaii! I'm green! Hence the name 'Green Gibbon!'." "Green Gibbon!?" Dark Gibbon? asked. "Is that you?" Gibbon changed quickly into his regular furry form. "Yes, Dark Gibbon?. It is I, the Sacred Green Gibbon!, aka Midori Denkou Ryu, the lord and master of all other gibbons and, incidentally, the elements of nature as well." "Ah, High Lord Gibbon," DG? bowed. "Forgive me for trying to smite you with my booster sword." "First of all," GG! held up a finger, "I am the *Sacred Green Gibbon!* not the High Lord Gibbon. If you are going to bow before me, address me right. Second of all, it's *buster* sword not booster sword, and second of all, do you even know what 'smite' means?" "You said 'second' twice," Zephyr informed him. "I don't know what comes after second," he admitted. "Well, DG?, have you got a reply for me?" "Oh yes, Sacred Green Gibbon!!" DG? hopped up, and saluted. "Third comes after second, and," he pulled out his handy-dandy pocket dictionary, "'smite' means: 1. to hit, or strike, and 2. to overcome with charm." He put the pocket dictionary back. "I'm sorry for trying to smite you with my boos- buster sword, Sacred Green Gibbon!. I will use my Mighty Bill Clinton Power sax instead!" He pulled out a shiny golden sax with messy scribbling all over it. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" GG! gasped. "You...democratic fiend!" DG? proceeded to chase GG! around trying to hit him with the instrument. Uncle Choppy stood in the middle of this, going "wark! waaaaaark!" as they circled him. "I'll...uh...go get help," Zephyr said, backing away slowly. Chapter Four: Sarah and Natalie heard the commotion by the gold chocobo pen as they were coming down the path to the ranch. "It sounds like someone's in trouble," Natalie said. "Do you think we should go check to see if they need help?" "Sure," Sarah shrugged. "Maybe they've seen our friends." The two of them saw the two furry creatures chasing each other around the gold chocobo. "What the hell?" Sarah asked. "Smite! Smite! Smite!" cackled the black one. "I shall smite you good, Green Gibbon!!" "Not if the Veal Cane has anything to say about it!" the green one pulled a huge staff out from nowhere and proceeded to beat the black one senseless. "This is like...a bad anime." Sarah shook her head. "What is that thing?" Natalie asked. "Hah!" the green one stood triumphant. "I bet my brother, the notoriously evil Purple Baboon, put you up to this!" He turned to look at Sarah and Natalie. "Aeris! My beloved Aeris! You live and- oh, it's you two. Don't get me excited like that." "Ahhh! Dark Gibbon?! You've been defeated?" Cait WB bounced into view on his pink mog. "How can this be?" "Gibbon!" Zephyr came from the other direction with Jack and Moon. "I brought help...and you don't need it." "This was nothing the Veal Cane couldn't handle," GG! replied proudly. "The mightiest of mightiest weapons, the Veal Cane can destroy any evil, and-" "That's nice," Sarah cut him off. "It seems we've found you." "You were looking for us?" Jack asked. Cait WB was hopping about on his mog. "No! This cannot be! Dark Gibbon?! I demand you morph and kill these gentiles!" "At once!" DG? got up, and in a flash had somehow morphed into a huge black dragon. "Holy Mother of Eggman!" GG! exclaimed. "DG? has a true dragon form! Not fair! Not fair!" "Hand over your Dragon Scroll and I will not have to hurt you!" Cait WB said. "We don't have it!" Zephyr snapped. "Then I will have to get ethnic...but on second thought, as Dark Dragon destroys GG!, I will have my chicken sailor minions destroy you three...er five." He pulled at two summon materia in his mog. "Sailor Chicken Surprise! Sailor Chicken Fajita! I call you forth!" "Oh...crud..." Jack muttered. "Why do I feel like the bad anime I've stepped into is becoming increasingly worse?" Sarah asked. A man and a Chihuahua appeared. "VIVA GORDEAS!!!!" exclaimed the dog. "I am Sailor Chicken Fajita! Yo Quiero Taco Bell!" "Quiet idiot!" Sailor Chicken Surprise yelled, and hit the dog with his Cosmic Icky Stick. "I must find that hottie, Sailor Evil!" Moon folded her arms. "Sailor Evil is dead." "Quiet, wrench!" He turned to Zephyr. "Babeeeeeee!!!! It's been so long!" "M-me?" Zephyr looked frantically around. "Oh, no, I'm *not*-" "That's my SE," SCS yelled. "Always playing games! Come here and give big daddy a kiss!" Zephyr shot at him, but the bullet bounced off. SCS grabbed her by both arms and started dragging her close for a kiss. "Dammit!!! Somebody help me!" she screamed. Jack looked doubtful. "I think GG!'s in bigger trouble." "You think- Goddess damn you! Some guy is *touching* me and you think GG! is in bigger trouble?!" "Well...he might get killed," Jack shrugged, and drew his sword. "Hang on, GG!, I'm coming!" "You! Cait WB Chicken-Man whatever! You're evil, aren't you?" Moon asked. "Gosh, kid, you figured it out," the stuffed bat's eyes grew really big. "What will I do?" "You'll surrender your evil ways so I won't have to hurt you!" "Uh, Moon?" Sarah tapped the smaller girl on the shoulder. "What's going on?" "Oh hi, Sarah! Some very evil people have attacked us and now we have to save not only GG! and Zephyr, but also stop them from escaping," she let all this out in one big breath. "Would you like to help?" Sarah gawked at her. "Have you been smoking Loco Weed?" "No, smoking is very bad for your health." Zephyr got one hand free and slapped two fingers on SCS's head. "By