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I also made some adjustments to the museum timeline. It is no longer a Sonic Team timeline, but a Sonic the Hedgehog specific timeline. There are two reasons for this shift: 1) we're at a point where there's just too much stuff. Nobody cares about all 14 different versions of Puyo Fever. PSO has grown into a monkey all its own and there are other (better) fansites for that. Reason #2) whatever remnants of the Sonic Team that once existed still thrive in the conglomeration that is now known as "Sega Studios", the talent has been diluted beyond recovery. Which is to say that all Sonic Team games now, as a rule, suck. That damn Billy Hatcher page is never going to be written. I doubt I'll even bother downloading any more screenshots of Fifth Phantom Saga. It's high time, I believe, to shear this woolly sheep. For the moment, the old non-Sonic game pages are still up, but unless people start freaking out over it, they'll be going, too. Here they are if anyone wants to save them before they disappear:
So anyway, a couple nights ago, I dreamt I was in a hotel playing the Shadow game... on an N64. I prefer not to research the Jungian interpretation of that, but perhaps it's symbolic of my morbid curiosity. Watching the game in motion is like staring at roadkill. That debauchery aside, E3 didn't particularly seem to expand the hole in the sinking ship of Sonicdom. Gems Collection is a bit more interesting than the handheld port of Mega Collection that I had predicted, though it would be difficult to call it anything more than a novelty. Sonic CD and Sonic R both seem to be ports of the PC versions as opposed to the console originals, which is fine for Sonic R (the PC version had alot more stuff), but it could mean that Sonic CD will only feature the Spencer Nilsen soundtrack, as that was the one used in all region PC versions of Sonic CD. Sonic the Fighters finally gets a home port, some 10 years after the fact, which is good news for fans, if noone else. The game is kind of emulated on Nebula, but unless you have a Jesus PC, it runs at about 2fps (literally), and even then some graphics don't show up, so for alot of us it'll be our first opportunity to play this game proper. (If "proper" can be applied to any fighting game with the GameCube control pad.) I imagine they're saving Segasonic, Chaotix, and the other 6 Game Gear games for release in Sonic Ultra Collection next year. Maybe they'll throw in those Tiger handhelds. Sonic DS turned out to be Sonic Rush, and while it thankfully doesn't involve masturbating the touch screen to make Sonic run (like last year's tech demo), it basically amounts to Sonic Advance 4. I don't think the stacked screen system is a good idea, as most Sonic stages aren't constructed vertically, and I'm afraid it'll turn out to be disorientating. It still doesn't make up for the fact that the screen is just too small for a Sonic game, at least lengthwise. Graphically, it's give and take.... the water stage looks cool, but the jungle stage is hideous. A couple people in the forum went so far as to compare it to G Sonic. I also don't understand why you'd have a polygonal Sonic running around in sprite-based stages. Then there's that new character. She seems to be getting mostly mixed reactions in the forum, though as for myself, I fucking hate her (if it is indeed a her). Independent of the fact that I simply don't like her design, a neon purple cyber cat named Blaze was one thing the Sonic universe absolutely did not need. However, shining some rose-colored light onto the situation, it seems that the ugly kitty is going to be the only other playable character, which could potentially result in an S&K style scenario... the only Sonic game that ever really got the multiple characters thing right. That, however, would be assuming that Dimps (who I assume is still doing the dirty work) had any competence whatsoever. Sega's opened the Sonic Channel website, which seems to be the Japanese version of Sega America's Sonic Central. It's a goddamn Flash site, so you have to click everything three times to make it work. It mostly just links to the Sonic game pages and a couple of wallpapers, but there's also a fairly interesting interview with Masato Nakamura, which can be found translated on the previously-mentioned Sonic Central. Nakamura, of course, hasn't been involved with the Sonic series in any way since 1992, which makes him an unusual subject, especially for an official site. One interesting point is that he seems to suggest "Sweet Sweet Sweet" was based on the Sonic 2 ending theme, and not vice-versa as I had always assumed. Faskinamating. Sometime around this week or last week, The GHZ achieved its 8th birthday. I tried to commission Pep to give out blowjobs in celebration, but it turns out he's got some policy against groups larger than 10, so... -- Green Gibbon! April 12, 2005
Someone in the forum posted scans of some new Sonic Matchbox cars. Being a consumer whore by profession, I'm usually all about swag emblazoned with the logo and likenesses of my favorite corporate mascots, but there's a developing trend in the realm of Sonic merchandise that I find most distressing. Recall, if you can, the last time you encountered a Sonic product that was licensed as plain "Sonic the Hedgehog" as opposed to "Sonic X". It's been a while, hasn't it? Even goods imported from the far eastern land where consumer fanaticism is the national pastime bear, more often than not, the logo and stock character art of that thrice accursed animated series. This would piss me off even if I liked Sonic X (which I don't), because it's like merchandise based on merchandise. The source material is too diluted. Y'know, it's like those Lord of the Rings games that were based on the movies that were based on the books. You can only stack that merchandising Jenga so high before it just starts getting silly. I wonder how many of these Sonic X kids even realize that the cartoon is based on a once-great videogame series that's older than they are? Speaking of said game series, which ceased to be great several years ago, the present dicator of its course has promised (warned) that Shadow the Hedgehog is but one of several Sonic titles to be shown at E3. Sonic DS is another, and the other is apparently something called Sonic Gems Collection, which is generally hypothesized to be another version of Sonic Mega Collection, likely for PC, DS, and/or PSP. Whatever evil it may hold in store, I should be able to make it to the show this year, and hopefully I will be able to return and speak of my experiences without slitting my wrists prior. In lighter news, Phantasy Star Universe actually - would that I could even dare to hope - looks okay. I'd say that it even looks - and this word I use only with extreme caution - good. The only immediately troubling bit of information is the fact that it is exclusive to PS2 and PC, which presents me with quite a dilemma. Now, of course I want the best-looking version I can get, and when dealing with matters of hardware superiority the PS2 should be immediately excluded from any consideration. However, the only other option in this case is PC, and if I want to beef my aging system up to the point of being able to play the game on its highest spec at faster than 2fps, I'll have to sell an organ. Moreover, there exists an inexplicable emotional barrier between me and my computer that prevents me from playing games on it, at least in any proper mindset. It's like being desperate for candy, but the only two items left in the vending machine are a Mounds bar and an expired bag of Mawmaw Toot-toot's Dubious Sugar Buns. It is certainly true that the prospect of a genuine, rebuilt-from-the-ground-up sequel to PSO is exciting in its own respect, but the stakes are higher than ever. I would have guessed Tecmo would be the first to answer the plea, but lo, it is my old and distanced friend Sega who is providing, for the first time ever, total boob control. The promise has been issued that when creating characters (female characters only, one would hope), full-on tit customization will be part of the creation process. Not only size, but also firmness/suppleness. So delighted I am at this development, I have been inspired to write this short poem:
Mai Shiranui gave us the jiggle I leave you with these things to think on. -- Green Gibbon! March 8, 2005
From the look of it, Gerald's "Ultimate Life-form" was plunked straight back into the Sonic Adventure 2 engine, given some guns, and told to do something insipid and trendy. He seems to have taken the instructions to heart. It goes without saying that, even if Sega was scrounging around for some new gimmicky idea to satisfy their annual need of Sonic-driven income, tearing a page from the book of American platformer banality was probably the wrong approach. It is also further evidence that Grand Theft Auto is one of those recent big-name titles that has ruined the videogame industry (Pokémon and Devil May Cry are the others, but that's a whole other rant I'm going into there). Silv posted this small comic in the forum, which I will assume he drew himself and so take the liberty of posting here:
 My friends, the darkest hour is officially upon us, and we can't even blame Traveller's Tales anymore. -- Green Gibbon!
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