Just Sitting Here Wasting Our Precious Time since 1997

Someone in the forum posted scans of some new Sonic Matchbox cars. Being a consumer whore by profession, I'm usually all about swag emblazoned with the logo and likenesses of my favorite corporate mascots, but there's a developing trend in the realm of Sonic merchandise that I find most distressing. Recall, if you can, the last time you encountered a Sonic product that was licensed as plain "Sonic the Hedgehog" as opposed to "Sonic X". It's been a while, hasn't it? Even goods imported from the far eastern land where consumer fanaticism is the national pastime bear, more often than not, the logo and stock character art of that thrice accursed animated series. This would piss me off even if I liked Sonic X (which I don't), because it's like merchandise based on merchandise. The source material is too diluted. Y'know, it's like those Lord of the Rings games that were based on the movies that were based on the books. You can only stack that merchandising Jenga so high before it just starts getting silly. I wonder how many of these Sonic X kids even realize that the cartoon is based on a once-great videogame series that's older than they are?

Speaking of said game series, which ceased to be great several years ago, the present dicator of its course has promised (warned) that Shadow the Hedgehog is but one of several Sonic titles to be shown at E3. Sonic DS is another, and the other is apparently something called Sonic Gems Collection, which is generally hypothesized to be another version of Sonic Mega Collection, likely for PC, DS, and/or PSP. Whatever evil it may hold in store, I should be able to make it to the show this year, and hopefully I will be able to return and speak of my experiences without slitting my wrists prior.

In lighter news, Phantasy Star Universe actually - would that I could even dare to hope - looks okay. I'd say that it even looks - and this word I use only with extreme caution - good. The only immediately troubling bit of information is the fact that it is exclusive to PS2 and PC, which presents me with quite a dilemma. Now, of course I want the best-looking version I can get, and when dealing with matters of hardware superiority the PS2 should be immediately excluded from any consideration. However, the only other option in this case is PC, and if I want to beef my aging system up to the point of being able to play the game on its highest spec at faster than 2fps, I'll have to sell an organ. Moreover, there exists an inexplicable emotional barrier between me and my computer that prevents me from playing games on it, at least in any proper mindset. It's like being desperate for candy, but the only two items left in the vending machine are a Mounds bar and an expired bag of Mawmaw Toot-toot's Dubious Sugar Buns.

It is certainly true that the prospect of a genuine, rebuilt-from-the-ground-up sequel to PSO is exciting in its own respect, but the stakes are higher than ever. I would have guessed Tecmo would be the first to answer the plea, but lo, it is my old and distanced friend Sega who is providing, for the first time ever, total boob control. The promise has been issued that when creating characters (female characters only, one would hope), full-on tit customization will be part of the creation process. Not only size, but also firmness/suppleness. So delighted I am at this development, I have been inspired to write this short poem:

Mai Shiranui gave us the jiggle
Taki from Soul Edge served up the nipple
but only in the land of Phantasy Star
are we given control of the ripple

I leave you with these things to think on. -- Green Gibbon!

From the look of it, Gerald's "Ultimate Life-form" was plunked straight back into the Sonic Adventure 2 engine, given some guns, and told to do something insipid and trendy. He seems to have taken the instructions to heart. It goes without saying that, even if Sega was scrounging around for some new gimmicky idea to satisfy their annual need of Sonic-driven income, tearing a page from the book of American platformer banality was probably the wrong approach. It is also further evidence that Grand Theft Auto is one of those recent big-name titles that has ruined the videogame industry (Pokémon and Devil May Cry are the others, but that's a whole other rant I'm going into there). Silv posted this small comic in the forum, which I will assume he drew himself and so take the liberty of posting here:

My friends, the darkest hour is officially upon us, and we can't even blame Traveller's Tales anymore. -- Green Gibbon!

If you've been following Big Smile's antics on the newsboard, or perchance reside in the old world and read Nintendo Official Magazine, you may have noticed the most recent interview with the man who is usually (and quite erroneously) attributed with the creation of Sonic. The only point of interest is that he did indeed confirm (to no excitement on my end) the development of a new Sonic game outside of Sonic DS. His attitude about the whole thing is pretty funny (and perhaps revealing): though he still staunchly denies any plans or desire to create a sequel to NiGHTS - and even goes so far as to say they've turned down offers from third parties with such proposals - as soon as Sonic is mentioned, he's all like, "Oh yeah, we're doing another one." The rather incompetent (or perhaps utterly disinterested yet artificially enthusiastic, which would be my guess) interviewer even inquired about the possibility of Sonic being handed out to third party developers, as though it hasn't been happening on a regular basis for the past eight years. Again, Naka's kind of like, "Yeah, we've been doing that." His defense of old masterpieces would indicate that he isn't totally talking out his ass, but if that's the case, it's even worse because it means that they've long since abandoned the will to care for the Sonic series. Just like, "Yeah, doin' another one, 'cause that's what the kids are buying."

There will be a time in the future when we'll wrest control of these series back from the Pokémon generation. Sonic, Mega Man... they'll be cool and fun again. It has to happen. If I abandon that hope, I have nothing left.

Anyway... Every once in a while I like to do something like this. It's all based on true events, so cast your vote wisely. (You don't need to be registered to vote or reply on the poll board, so there's no commitment to drop your name into the unending horror novel that is the GHZ forum.)

I forget how long it's been since I took the beta Sonic Glossary down (based on the emails I've received about it, I would venture to assume that most of you have not), but anyway, it has finally returned as the Sonic Encyclopedia. Not as catchy, maybe, but a bit more descriptive, I think. As of this moment, it only contains entries pertaining to Sonic 1, but I'll continue to add entries chronologically by game, probably as I update the museum pages. For the moment I've decided not to include Zones in the glossary unless they're also major story locations (such as Casinopolis or Twinkle Park). As usual, please give me a kick most swift if you catch any mistakes, or if you think there's something I've missed. -- Green Gibbon!

Written by Jared "Green Gibbon!" Matte. Looks best on Internet Explorer at resolutions of 1024x768 or higher, not that that knowledge will persuade you to change your settings. Hosting provided by Emulation Zone and Emulation World. They're your daddy.